Life is Still worth living...!!

It all starts with randomness

It all ends at nothingness

Sometimes in an effort to be

Happiness turns out to be loneliness

It’s all a game of how much more

Who plays a saint and who lays a whore

Once again it all relates to no one

You feel connected to some one

What u end up becoming is just anyone

Where u are… What u are…

Who is the one actually judging

One sigh of relieve and life is worth living

An iota of pain & u know who u feel like killing

The truth is it doesn’t start with randomness

The reality is it doesn’t end at nothingness

It’s a cumulative frequency of deeds

And miseries multiply as u plead

Believe it or not… u have already given in to the worldly greed

Live by the moment

You’d think u survived

But u really are innocent

They taught u all the verbs and adjectives

What u end up becoming is only a noun – defective

Yet don’t give in

Someday it will all sink in

You’ll know one day… life is still worth living!!

all that's said but not heard...

Just another day, just another time, when u are maybe in the shower, maybe cooking, maybe driving, maybe getting dressed for work, attempting to watch television or even pretending to chill out with friends... after a couple of minutes later u'd realize, u actually were able to express yourself the best, you have just finished the most fantastic conversation ever cud have happened. The only oops factor being that the conversation happened in your head... so it was said but not heard..!!

Mostly such conversations are with the people that in real life when given a chance u'd ideally avoid having this conversation or explaining your. That's probably another reason why u had this conversation in your head, u don't get threatening questions, no one interrupts u, u actually end up finishing all u have to say without getting judged and finally feel relieved, guilt free and peaceful having explained all you wished. Its like the perfect conversation ever.

The worry is sometimes you end up having these conversations so frequently in your head, like u can almost hear your thoughts and u wish u could focus else where. The poor person with whom you wish to have this conversation or may be not have this conversation ends up getting blamed for these repeated thoughts in your head. Finally, there would come a time when u'd feel like u did explain all of what u thought to this person, coz the talk in your head was so real!

There are both good and bad emotional outcomes of these inevitable conversations. The good being that temporary feeling of relief of having said all you ever wanted to... the bad is having to deal with the person concerned in future. Now why is that bad is the obvious question...!

Let me tell you why, simply because according to you, all was explained long back, the end of the conversation was so good. we all agreed and walked out happy of that conversation. No burden left no guilt left. Then now yet again, why is this person pretending to not understand me, or going back to historical events that make us feel bad? Simple answer .. yet again! You actually never had this conversation with this person. Hence, not clarified.

Life at times is more complicated than we think we could make it, yet more simple that u cud ever imagine it to be. We sometimes wonder if only there was a way to simplify life and there are times without knowing u end up making a mess of things because of all these conversations u have had in your head. The problem is the monologue! When u actually speak to the other person that probably u have been avoiding for all the right reasons u get to know his/her side of the story or justifications too. Its not hard to believe that if you have been thinking so much about a person, u wudn't be getting as much attention in this person's life. Maybe they wish to have this conversation with you too.

Only one of the two of you cannot be liberated of the guilt, anger, frustration or any emotion - its a mutual thing, its interlinked. Maybe the conversation would be odd, the moments mostly would be awkward, the emotions would ride higher than logic and the intent of having a conversation, but give it a shot. Let the talk really happen. Give yourself an opportunity, one chance to not only say it all - but hear it all too...

We all carry baggage's, no one will ever be able to relate to the load u carry unless u allow him to shed off some of his weight too. Its a simple give and take, maybe of good, maybe of bad, maybe of nothingness!!

Shaury's first Annual day !

It seems like yesterday when i use to dress up all hipiti hop for my own annual day, and the other day kapil and i were sitting in the audience to see my son (just 2.5 yrs now) already perform on stage for his annual day function. I am still trying to figure out if i was more nostalgic or more proud there... damn these mixed emotions! like as if the emotions in itself weren't difficult enough to deal with that we land up into these mixed emotion thingies!
Well anyways it was quite a moment to see him dance on stage. I was still trying to get use to the Montessori itself - Its beyond my imagination that my 2.5 yr old can already listen to and follow and remember a set of instructions. He seems like a big boy when he is there... I am sure he does a lot of things there at school that normally i would have never let him do. It feels like a sin an obscene crime when his teacher asks him to take off or wear his shoes on his own and no seems to be doing that for him... but i guess that's how we learn! although when it comes to him, i believe we all learn it all some day - why are they rushing him so much.

I am beginning to make my peace with letting him grow - allowing him to be. The only hope is maybe all mothers have to do this, all have to acknowledge the much desired and much dreaded changes. with a lot of things, sometimes i stop and think - am i judging shaury, the environment or myself, not sure yet.

But the point is whether i contribute or no, i spend time with him or no - he is becoming a big boy by the minute. The only fear / hope is to be the mother that i ought to be...

An effort to be...

To start with, I know it's purely my bad that I am treating this blog as my personal diary..! I think of it only when I’ve had too much to think!! Guess I have come to terms with the fact that our thoughts do have a linkage. No matter how random they seem, no matter some of them make you wonder - how come? Why now? And most of the times we never get answers to such questions in our head. Still, I completely agree that they do have a linkage.

At this point in time, my thought about this whole linkage theory started with wanting to write for a while and was not even able to log into the BlogSpot, forget writing. Some bit of me, was guilty, another bit was justifying why I can’t write now, and there is a third one too who keeps rolling with laughter in my endless fight "to be"!!

I have no clue any more that the entire struggle is to be the woman I’d like to be, I am striving to be, I’d love to be or is the effort entirely "just to be"??

On the face of it, the simple answer seems to be - C'est la vies! Ah bien sure - C’est la vie... n'est pa!!

But that's kinda not the point; the point is the stampede of thoughts inside my mind. There are zillions of them getting crushed under zillion others. I created them all - I love them all like my own babies, not sure why I m letting this stampede happen!!

Most of the times when people ask me about what kind of person I am - I take pride in describing myself as the "Monica from FRIENDS" But when I get lost in the mess of my mind, I feel I still have more to learn - no matter how many re-runs I watch of friends, no matter I know the entire script now - word by word - I aint Monica - I am still to learn to organize my thoughts.

There are times when the tussle is between managing work & home, which sometimes I believe is the most critical one, but when I move to the next fight, I think no -  the bigger worry is to sort out issues between the career me & the caring me, then it moves to the mom me & the wife me, then it goes to the daughter me & the sister me, then I also have to worry about losing all my friends while I walk ahead - coz of course I have no time for them.

The saddest part here is I get no attention in this entire worrying business!

So now I have finally reached a larger question - is it all the above that I just mentioned vs. Me???

Even more interesting is the fact that as much as I crave for an answer to the above question, I dread getting one. I know whichever ways I aint gonna like it, those around me, aint gonna like it. Now that links to another thought - Do we really seek answers? or Do we just wish to keep adding to our question banks? I am sure we don’t want a straight answer to this one too; it’s kinda slap in the face... either ways actually.

Yet again, we continue to ask, we continue to seek!

Way of life...!

I am sure there are a lot of times, things would have been falling apart... nothing seems to be just right. Actually, I’d rather say - nothing seems just & right! Not sure why exactly do we have to go through such moments. There are times, where just until now, you were humming, "all is well..." and in a fraction of moment, the world seems to have to come to a standstill. Not sure why how who caused it?? Not even sure if it’s really your karma causing it. But things have to happen, and in spite of bad things happening more frequently than the good ones, I strongly believe they happen for a reason. They happen for good. The end will always be good. That’s not meagerly an optimistic approach but I guess that's something I have come to believe with all the bad happenings in the past and leading to a good ending.

We all yearn to please all around us at all points in time under all possible circumstances. Such an unrealistic goal… It's practically an unimaginable, to make sure every single existing being loves n likes us at all points in time. Still, somehow we have this irrational need. There is something inside us, which makes us uncomfortable, if you figure out that you are the cause of hatred surviving in someone's heart. Honestly, hatred is a very strong word to use. We struggle to fit into the liked ones category in everyone’s life. You have to make it to the inner circle of their lives... just quietly ask yourself, why? How does it really matter if there are a bundle of people who don't think you are the best person ever?  But strangely it does.

Let's also acknowledge that this is a matter of degree. It’s not an absolute phenomenon. Our want keeps ranging from not being hated, to not being indifferent to being liked to fondness. we keep playing around in these zones, and keep wanting to only rise high up the value chain of being liked more n more and being admired more and more.

The most interesting part is you as an individual are also the center of the universe for all the rest around you.  So technically you must too, like and love them all. Possible??? The simple answer is no. However, when it comes to you being the center, you have all the valid reasons to not like most - ya, most people around you. You can justify your changing views, emotions and feelings towards each one around you. And while you are justifying you make sure to highlight that this isn't an explanation to anything unfair, you have empathized, sympathize, done it all, figured it all and now u are sure to make a remark, that in a situation like this, you would have never done anything remotely close to what he/ she did. So, now bang on - you have every right to make an opinion about the person, the situation and the verdict: I like you or I don’t like u, whichever, but my feelings are all right about u.

In my studying and practicing of psychology I was a strong believer in the REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy). In fact I remember that it did help a lot of people, the therapy really has some mind boggling outcomes. Now for my non-psychology friendly readers here, REBT is a therapy that helps us tone down our irrational beliefs. Such as the one I m talking about here, of being loved and liked by all at all points in time. In spite of all the faith in psychology, I am compelled to think, why do we really think the way we do? I mean on the one hand why must be one liked by all and on the other why not - It’s an awesome feeling...

I guess there is a new theory waiting to just be discovered! We humans like to play it safe. Especially with our own selves. You could take all that risk for the adrenaline rush one speaks about, with your career, with your significant others in life - friends, family, loved ones... but when it comes to "U", you'd like to play it safe. we safeguard our true selves so well, that even u can't hate you for things that are obviously bad in you, so then when others pick those up in various incidents of life, where un consciously there has been a slip / an accidental showcase of a true you, you are flabbergasted. That’s then a good enough reason to put you back in your shell of not letting anyone know u, the real u.

It’s kind of dramatic, how people could get to like or not like you, even without a true opportunity to know u. The sad part is that the actual judgment is already made before they have really known u. Then we are all working backwards, to undo all that caused the bad. Maybe that’s why the pressure of being liked by all at all points in time under all possible situations. Since that would certainly save us the trouble of all the re-work.

Like the last time, I am going to take your leave by letting u ponder over something... You think relationships, emotions and feelings will all still be the same if we did not have this unstoppable urge to be loved and liked by all... at all times!! Think over it, and let me know your views...

I'd love to read your comments!

Moments!!

Feels like just another night when i am eagerly looking for my diary and pen, cause there are a zillion thoughts oozing in my head, almost as if jumping on a trampolean to figure out an exit. I always wanted someone to sneak in and read what's written in my diary, no one ever did!! The point is the unstoppable urge in people to tell everyone else, well may be "everyone" is an exageration.. but at least someone else how they feel about things. What's their view on so many things that happen on a day to day basis.

I have come to believe that it's our compulsive need for acknowledgement that leads to a bazillion emotional issues. Just because one wants to be noticed, heard, remembered there are so many things that get played around it. There are so many things people do to simply prove an existence. Somehow, the sad part is all this effort happens for people who are techinically  by means absolutely insignificant in our lives... and of course visa versa.

I guess we are taught to get carried away, in emotions of all sorts. Not really sure how, but we do pick it up over time. we learn to be more happy when happy, we exagerate our sorrows, we live our grief everyday. Almost to the extent of being guilty if you do drop the emotion unattended for too long!!

Life continues, if you could exagerate your emotions or if you couldn't.

As a kid i remember asking my mom, amongst the 3 siblings that we were, who does she love the most... as much as i yearned the answer be me, even if the answer did come as me... i refused to believe it. Not sure what kind of reassuarnces we keep looking for in life. Especially, when it comes to positive emotions. I mean if there is a nasty event - its so easy for one to relate to it, say "yeah! I know I am the chosen one ... for all the bad".

howcome it's so difficult for one to simply acknowledge and move on with a positive emotion, event or anything else that's not effectively putting you down. Everyone around you is continuouly fishing for compliments. just do a quick dipstick around u and u shall agree with me.

In psychology they call it the postive strokes. Of course they are healthy. we feel good about ourselves, but still we would continue to ignore or keep looking for more. If you carefully observe, we are very smart about gaining these positive strokes, you ask someone; comments on your looks on the day u believe you did your best to look your best, you know u are an expert at a certain reciepe, you'll ask often how is it made... you'll never ask if you were looking just about awright on a bad hair day!!

Think over it... while i come back shortly with some more food for thought!