Inside Out... Women at Work ... !

Firstly, I have to admit I almost forgot I use to write. It's been shamefully long when I last wrote something here. Although, I do have to admit while I was away from writing I did thoroughly enjoy reading a whole lot more... last year I succeeded in my mammoth new year resolution of wanting to read 50 books in the year - I ended up reading 54 [now that also includes all kinds of kids books like "the diary of the wimpy kid" that I had to read cause my son insisted I do, plus I ran out of books at hand]

Nonetheless, I read and I read and I read... this year is going to be far from 50., and yes it's the same old excuse "I have no time". However, this year the kind of books I've read have more depth in them. Every book has resulted into either one work strategy or one personal life mantra. So I guess what I am doing here is covering up for not reading as much by posing that I'm reading better quality books... see... now that is a better excuse than "I have no time" ;)

Well my count of books isn't what got me to writing today, it's this lingering thought that I've been really keen on sharing for a while. As a woman myself I wouldn't call diversity the shiny object that everyone is after these days, cause I genuinely understand the need to focus on it. Having said that I'm constantly thinking we've go it all wrong.

The workplace equality and the work life balance when it comes to women at work needs a different approach to problem solving. We are seeing all kinds of reports & analytics on the initiatives the women friendly organizations take, the policies that need to be women friendly and the flexibility that needs to be given to enable and empower women. some also take it to the far end of having all of these also aligned to the men who are the so called "family men".. whatever that means by the way!

Endless reports, reviews, policies and countless conversations with so many other working women I know, I don't know and I have read about all have got me to think - we've got it all wrong, we are after the wrong problem. Make no mistake; there is this problem that women need to get better jobs, pay equality and everything that we are all working so hard for. Not for a moment am I underestimating the magnitude of that problem. All I want to make the point about is that we are looking in the wrong direction for the solution.

Every initiative, every agenda, every diversity supporting organization today in the world is after every possible organization to have a women empowering & promoting culture, policies, work environment, pay structure etc. etc...

NO ONE ... & I am certain NO ONE... is looking at the support system that one needs at home from the family, the culture you come from & the pressing needs you have at home. Let me enunciate with my own example - I am and always have been a working woman. I've lived a life, I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a daughter in law, a sister, a friend AND I have a career and aspirations to do more and better in my career.

I couldn't have done this if I was not raised to believe in myself and to give everything the same kind of importance - to my life, my work, my kids, my family... And all of this upbringing would have done no good if my husband did not also played by the same rules... to him work & kids & life all are the same things. I know this sounds high level - let me take a moment with this thought...

I've met so many, and trust me so so many women at work, in the neighborhood, in my own friend circle, back from school girls who use to be the one's spending all their time studying for engineering and entrances who are now successfully raising kids, taking them to classes & soccer games. Their lives revolve around healthy menu's, school calendars, husbands hectic work schedules and sometimes - their own jobs.

Yet again - this is not about working vs non working moms - this is about are you in a job & complaining about equality because your firm doesn't have flex hours or are you up to making a career where you work your heart out because that's what gives you the joy... the sense of achievement.

It takes a village for a culture to change, we women have come where we have on the backs of other women who had no opportunities for education, no exposure to the real world and yet by sheer determination they made it all worth it! We owe it to them  - when you meet women who complain that they are not getting a promotion or  a raise or are struggling to keep the job - dig a little deeper and ask - what is the support system at home? Do their husbands pick up the kids if they have to stay late? Do they need to say no to travel because the husband simply won't allow? [yes, some still need a permission slip!!] or they've been doing a half hearted assignment because they must be available for kids after school - because of course that's purely the woman's job to do...

The thing we must really strive for is the education and equality mindset at home. If you are not treated as an equal at home no matter how many policies an organization changes to accommodate the woman workforce this will be an ongoing problem. Everyone screaming their gut out for diversity and inclusion and women rights are a little bit like those political parties who work for the poor and suppressed. They will make fantastic speeches for the upliftment of the poor - but at the same time they will also ensure there is no true upliftment - cause then they'll have no jobs... they want people to remain poor and suppressed... Similarly by focussing only on organizations we will ALWAYS continue to have woman in the back seat struggling for equality.

While we keep focusing only on organizations to be more and more accommodating this only makes the situation worse. We certainly need to have policies that are good for all & also, we need to raise our kids to be truly aspirational & successful & respectful of others, just as we like to be treated ourselves. If I am able to have a career today it is because there are days I miss the school meetings but my husband attends those, if I travel he manages the house, if I am getting a seat at the table he cherishes me for my accomplishments and cheers for me and doesn't make me go on guilt trips for not being around as much.

If I were to live with a guy who wanted hot meals, wanted to travel like a free bird & have me exclusively on the kids & home duty - all the woman friendly policies in the world wouldn't have let me have a career - let alone a successful & gratifying one.. !

Like the old saying goes, "charity begins at home" all good things originate at home, whether it's teaching your kids good manners or respecting women, or being humble and polite... it all starts at home. You want to see your woman soaring to the heights and end this phenomenon of diversity you need to start the support system at home.

All the great leaders I have worked with and am working with have all at all times shown great respect for intelligence, hard work and the will to succeed  - irrespective of which gender these things are demonstrated by. All the good leaders I know have a successful & supporting life partner who is also doing great things in life and was not held back so the man or woman in the house could succeed...

If you need true diversity - you start at home, the organizations have come a far way along with all the awesome policies to make life amazing for everyone - men & women alike... & those who don't won't survive in the long run!

Go back to look inside out, the problem you've been looking to fix outside may actually be inside the household, inside the relationship, inside the heads of the people you spend your life with...

If you want the organization to improve your start with yourself, the organization is made of you not the other way around!!

To all the strong women & to all the men who stand by them... !

Magic of 15 Minutes

Ever felt so overwhelmed that you knew that you don’t need a weekend but may be 10 uninterrupted days… to take care of home, kids, work, other chores and not even counting a moment of peace with your own self!! The problem is in that state of mind even [I know hypothetical] but even if you did get those 10 days you wouldn’t have accomplished half of what you’d like to do.

Well as much as it is, it isn’t my Sunday evening anxiety. It was like a – “eureka moment” this afternoon when I got more done in a few hours than what I did all weekend!

Well mostly my Sunday’s are more productive because my Panic monster wakes up at that time. Like how Tim Urban mentioned in his TED Talk, my Panic monster wakes up at the right time, and truly takes care of all my procrastinations.

Well back to the real deal – the success mantra – 15 minutes!

So let’s start with a simple confession – I like lists. I like to make lists about everything I have to do – work, home, chores… you name it. What ends up happening there is I end up having many lists – soon perhaps a list to manage my lists! Ouch... let’s hope it doesn’t go that far!

So, the thing with these lists is I always know what all is due and I am constantly worrying about all that “still” needs to be done.

While I was making something in the microwave [ok, don’t judge, I am a working mom, with an Indian husband – they don’t do household chores!! – so I do “at times” cook stuff in microwave] – well anyways, when I set the timer to 5 minutes I was just beginning to unloading the dishwasher – to my surprise, it took me 3 mins to finish and I came back to the microwave with 2 mins to spare…! Kaboom! I just got more time to select what was I going make tomorrow morning so I can do some prepping. The finish tone of the microwave led me to this amazing game of timing all I do – so now I started timing myself for everything I had to do.

Nothing – trust me nothing in the house was a job that took more than 15 mins at once.  

I tried this with every single household chores, activities with kids, everything – well to be honest I have 2 boys and their attention span is smaller than a goldfish!! So just lucked out on that one. Anyways, to my surprise I did In fact, got more things done than ever before. I sat down for 15 mins slots during the day for my emails – better than constantly checking them on the phone and forgetting or marking a flag and then worrying you have to work on it.

My cooking prep – 15 mins, ironing for the week – 15 mins – you name it!

The key is not to make everything a project of your life time. I use to do that. Not being able to take things one at time and trying to just get on with it – instead making it is the biggest project and a matter of life and death is the biggest monkey business of all times. It gets in the way of doing almost everything.

The truth is not everything needs 15 mins – there are so many bigger projects in life that would need all your time, attention and dedication. However, the magic lies in getting these 15 mins chores done so they don’t come to haunt you while you are concentrating on your bigger more important projects. When I was done with my 15 mins items from my multiple long lists I was left with the few I really wanted to work on.

For those cynics reading this and getting tactical – yes not everything is 15 mins, but If some are more than 15 then some are less than 15 mins J

Well like all good thoughts in life – some may apply to you some won’t – If this one does, I’m glad to have taken the 15 mins to write this one out!!

Happy Sunday!!

Oops ! I fractured my motivation!

What really motivates you? We all know we need motivation to do almost anything in life. As clinched as it sounds but we all follow someone, look up to someone and want to be like someone - sometimes we want to be everything but like the ones we know! That too counts as motivation by the way

As much as it’s a much talked about and much needed concept, I am not after it today. I have been thinking about the peripheral concepts or the sidebars if you will. I believe motivation is the first cousin of happiness. The way you approach happiness in life is going to be more or less the way in which you would approach motivation. 

Not to simplify that happy people are motivated and motivated people are happy but it wouldn’t hurt to connect the dots. 

The first peripheral concept is our expectation from every leader in our life to be the reason for your motivation. Now not everyone who is in a leadership role is actually a leader. Needless to say they may not be in that place where they are able to motivate others, at times even themselves. Basically our expectation is that every one in a significant position would have attained self actualization. So these people have a more efficient perception of reality, are more accepting of themselves and others, appreciate life and our guided by their inner goals and are able to uplift the others around them - sounds familiar - self motivated & able to motivate others around them :)

So now i have added a third concept that i am saying are synonymous - happiness, motivation & self actualization. 

Think about the leader who influences you the most. Do you think they are able to motivate you, they bring out the best in you, you wish you could be like them some day and thats all that would make you successful and happy! It’s all connected - you believe that your success - derived by motivation and your happiness through this self actualization is all that you work for, all that your desire and deserve…

Now also think about a similarly significant leader who you expected to have motivated you, help you “arrive” in your career or maybe even your life that would bring happiness - none of that happens. You feel betrayed, you expected this leader to be super happy in life and have achieved all they could and are now to guide and mentor people like you - well same logic, just because they are in that leadership role doesn’t mean they are really leaders. 

The concept is just like the quote - “you want to be happy - then be” - You wanna be motivated - then be, you want to rise above and beyond where you are, then do it. It’s in your hands and your control and not in your current leader or anyone else’s. However, we like to complicate it - we like to have expectations and then proceed with disappointments - thats quite a side effect. 

The good news is there is no preset rule that your supervisor needs to be self actualized before you do… !

The leader in you is nurtured by the influence and impact you create, the passion you bring to the table and is not confined by the boundaries of your designation or title. The way you define yourself as a leader is by the standard you set for yourself, how motivated you are and how happy you feel doing what you do. 

Yet again, i have added another term that i believe joins the gang with being a synonym here - passion. 

If you do what are passionate about you are happy, when you do something that makes you happy, you are motivated to do more of it, when you do more and more of something & stay happy while you do it, you attain self actualization - then all that remains is to go beyond your self and guide mentor and groom others - motivate others. 

The difference is very simple - those who are meagre leaders like to be the most knowledgeable in the room, those who are self actualized would know if they are the most knowledgeable person in the room - they are in the wrong room. 

My take don’t limit your vision for leaders around those with titles look for them in those who impact, influence and make it happen. 

Kung Fu Panda and Leadership Skills

I having been mulling over the concept of how two totally different personalities get to work along with each other so well. Something we all have come across a few times in our lives. At times we would notice and then let it go. I was particularly intrigued by these two leaders I once worked with – with strikingly different personalities, I mean literally so different that each one would blow your mind in a good – but – very different way. I was immensely impressed by both, loved working with both and learned a lot from both. One super chatty and humorous the other extremely scanty with words, wise and sarcastic…! Freaking – ALL the things I Love!!

While I drove back home through this beautiful road filled with vibrant fall colors all the thoughts about leaders and work started to fade away just like the pretty leaves I was admiring.

It was my day to pick up kids and with everything else going on and the husband still at work I gave into the kids begging to watch a movie on a school night. We all agreed to settle with Kung Fu Panda as we ate dinner in front of the TV – there goes rule number 2!!

As I started watching the movie with the boys my thoughts from earlier that day about the differences in the leadership and personalities came back for some reason. Perhaps, as I realized the movie is based on simple principles of success and leadership – that apply anywhere from alternate china populated by anthromorphic animals to the real time corporate world.

Po – our dear Panda from this movie is a passionate, enthusiastic, very big and very clumsy – yet the biggest fan of Kung Fu and extremely well read who knows all about the masters and all that has ever existed about Kung Fu. In what seems like a tragic accident he gets picked as the dragon master who is prophesized to bring peace to the valley. He is obviously picked by this grand master on his way out to “nirvana” Oogway – a turtle. His selection is majorly despised by the current Kung Fu trainer / master [in our parlance the current boss] Sheefoo – a rat - Apparently because he has been training his own 5 Kung Fu experts to be the next dragon warier – who according to Oogway din make the cut compared to our “Big Fat Panda”

 

 

Now at the outset of these movies – yes there are more than one of these movies, it seems like here is a disaster hero who got lucky and because this is the hero of the movie they have got to have him win in the end.

Interestingly, there is a more insightful way of looking at it.

Po – the panda is not visually appealing to be a kung Fu expert, he has zero discipline, has a great sense of humor, loves food, and yadi yadi ya… all the stuff that makes us all the inferior breed of leaders in the current perceptions and popular definition of great leaders…

However, all throughout these movies he ultimately has an upper edge to all the other far better trained kung Fu folks cause he is the most well-read amongst them all, is inquisitive, doesn’t hesitate to ask questions - even the awkward ones, enjoys all his passions and truly takes comforts in his choices – whether it’s collecting facts about all the masters or eating or even lazing around – he does them all with absolutely honesty.

It happens with a lot of leaders – they are very good at what they do, they are pretty much invincible in their technique. However, there are some who are constantly learning, exploring and adding to their knowledge base. Like how they say, “If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room”. Every single leader I have ever looked up to – read at the least one book a week – that’s 54 books every year!!

Po here is a big fan of all his colleagues / friends / team members and even his enemies that he needs to fight. The last one is the most interesting one, he is so passionate about Kung Fu that he knows the whole history, moves and the great abilities & short comings of his enemies too. That gives him a certain edge – the power of knowledge, makes him a respectable and to an extent a likeable opponent – something we all might enjoy – a great across the table moment with a worthy intellectual opponent.

The concept of the dragon scroll – which supposedly was the secret power that would have made dragon warier invincible turns up empty and it reflected Po’s own face – the point being - no matter how much you have studied or learned something, no matter how much experience you have, what excellent stuff you and your team put together – the key is how do YOU create a differentiator.  The simple fact that this particular pitch is being made by you or the training is being led by you or a meeting that is being facilitated by you – what is your individual contribution to up the game?

Once you do get in the big dream come true role – that a few others have been prepping for a substantial amount of time how do you treat them – in this case Po continues to acknowledge their skills and abilities and the respect is a constant high for what they have been training all their lives.

Are you able to use your emotions to your benefit – the whole aspect of emotional intelligence is the same to me like work life balance – you never know what’s really good enough.

I could go on and on and on – the little girl inside me is jumping up and down in awe of the movie that made her connect with the passionate grown up corporate woman – who likes to dream big just like Po!

Finally, it brings me back to the thought that started this whole thought process – the two leaders I started our little chat with – I believe now I know why they get along so well professionally even though every atom in their personality is different. It’s because they both have something in common – the basic values of a great leader – respect, passion and integrity. Seems I finally have solved my riddle of how am I equally amazed by two totally different leaders?

Well, the thing is they may be totally different personalities – but they are not totally different leaders.

Thanks for stopping by, keep up the leader in you and take the time to enjoy the cartoons… J

 

Only Me ruchi: Stay in your Lane

Only Me ruchi: Stay in your Lane: It’s been a busy week..! I am so tempted to complete that sentence by “at work” but that won’t be necessarily true. It’s convenient to b...

Stay in your Lane

It’s been a busy week..! I am so tempted to complete that sentence by “at work” but that won’t be necessarily true. It’s convenient to blame work for your lack of hours in the day. Although, that may not be completely true. We all have tons to do at home, for our self, for the kids and then a busy day at work may seem to hit on your last nerve. My long distance commute and exhausted brain got me to think that what really exhausts us may not necessarily be the number of hours at work or the list of chores that patiently awaits your coming home, it could simply be a stumble upon someone’s nose that you happen to find in your business.

Strangely enough, all that we need to for our personal sanity and all the way up to “world peace” is one simple mantra – “Stay in your lane” – mind your own business, do not mess with others! Yeah, you read that right, the amount of energy it takes to mess with others life can be draining enough for you – you may not realize it in the moment of getting the cheap thrills of messing with others, but life for you isn’t good either when you mess with others.

Think of the simple analogy in real sense for a bit – you are driving on a freeway at an average speed of 70-75 miles/hr.  Life is good, moving ahead smooth and steady, you know nothing needs to change for a good number of miles. When does the trouble begin? Only when either you or someone around you refuses to stay in the lane! Simple!

Life my friend is just the same – stay in your lane and life is good! The trouble in life happens when either you enter a different lane or when someone else enters your lane… just like you know that people are clueless about your life, your life choices and the good bad and ugly that you’ve been through – you equally have no idea what their journey has been like! So quit messing around and mind your own damn business.

As annoying as it is to have someone else poke their nose into your life, it’s probably even more exhausting when you do the same to others. Entering another lane isn’t easy in heavy traffic on a freeway. You take calculated risks, you have to time it well and you need to avoid accidents by all means. If you end up making a mistake you are going to have to pay for it. If you think too much is going on, take a break and think – have you been visiting too many other lanes lately –if the answer is yes, stop right away. Maybe it’s time to visit the rest area – go get coffee…

Interestingly enough, this is also the mantra for your professional success. Every successful & accomplished person you think about did what they had to do and not everyone else’s job. Everyone you see struggling at work or having a rough day at work is either dealing with someone trying to break into their lanes or is troubled because they themselves are trying to barge into someone else’s lane.

When people focus on their job, their deliverables without focusing on everyone else’s job the only way out is success. When people live their own lives without focusing on others the outcome is happiness!

Stay in your lane and keep moving forward!

 

 

The Good Witch

So I was having this quite Sunday evening  and surprisingly enough I had the TV left alone for me. For some strange reason Shaury had decided to play with his toys, explore his books and do everything else but watch TV!! What’s even more surprising is that at that very moment there was actually something nice on tv!! So I sat down to watch the series of “The Good Witch”.

The movie just reassured my belief in magic. Ah, don’t worry am not going to turn this blog into one of those Harry Potter kind series – although I enjoyed all the movies, but still – NO. That’s not the kind of magic I am talking about. The simple belief that – all that happens, happens for good – is a sort of magic, a mother putting a baby down to sleep is magic, a smell from long long ago reminding you of summers at your granny’s is magic, in the deepest darkest times you still hope for good is magic, you finding the love of your life in the strangest ways is magic!!

There is a lil bit of magic in every walk of life. We all believe in it in our own secret and discrete ways. To notice this magic we just need be a little extra alert and there the crystal ball makes it all clear.

We begin our life with magical stories. All the fairytales were probably the best thing that ever happened to you for a long long time and thanks to Disney it’s much much prettier than your imagination!!

Trust is a fragile thing, once earned it affords us tremendous freedom. But once it’s lost the damage is beyond repair. Of course the truth is that we never know who we can trust.  It’s the dilemma of this trust quotient that allows the ones who are closest to us are ones who can betray us and those who are total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end most people decide to trust themselves only. That’s what the magic in you can do to you. you have to trust yourself and the magic in you at all times else the suspicions can end in tragedy and the shallow trust you show in others without having total faith in your own self will be put to trial at every step in life…

Magic no magic, the life goes on…. Well actually the true thing to say would be that whether you have noticed the magic of your life or not,,, life still does go on…! It does takes us to be in the darkest moments of our life to see the magic of light. We all have it within us, but not all of us see it.

Sometimes the only magic we seek is magic itself!

The good witch though a witch… is good. Is trying to fix people, things and the town of Middleton on the whole!! The simple reason why she could fix things was not only because she is the witch but because she knows what she wants and who she wants and how to get that… with us, the humans, the situation is that we are all searching for someone, that special companion, some kind of assistance and safety. Depending on the will with which you seek magic and how clearly you see that magic inside is the effort with which we search. There are times when we are searching very hard… and we do find all three. Sometimes when we fail miserably in finding any of this and we resort to praying that they find us…! At this point we depart from our own magical strengths… we lose the good witch within us and crave for help in desperate ways… those are the moments if not dealt well can turn the good witch in us into an evil one…!

To know if u are still working with good magic or black magic, if you are the good witch or the evil twin is very simple, u just need to know if u r desperate in seeking what you crave for or are u in the process of evolving yourself at the right pace…!

May the good witch live long !!

 

What did you want to become as a child?

What did you want to become as a child? An astronaut...  a musician… a ballet dancer… a driver… a painter… teacher… nurse… doctor…and the list is long if we all start naming them all. I guess a couple of hundred words would only be the names of various professions… or at least what we thought as kids were professions… like I wanted to be the person who gets to turn the lights out of sun, so then the moon and stars can be seen!!

Well… I haven’t decided to go down the memory lane and think of all the “cute” childhood things. Well that’s a fact and no amount of writing about it or talking about it can make it less cherish able… the thought really is if we adore our childhood so much and we have so many fond memories from our childhood and for some of us till date the happy place in life happens to be a childhood memory, then why are we so insensitive to our or other kids!! What changes in us… what ruins us as a grown up! What takes our intellect away as we grow older, what takes our patience, our love, our passion, our creativity the faith the hope away… just as we begin to add days to our lives and inches to our waistline!

This thought doesn’t really apply only to those who have kids, even if you are just a grownup – at least so u’d think u are…  do u still dream as passionately as u use to as a kid, do still love somebody so truly as u use to love ur mom n dad when u were little…

I am learning the art cum science of forgiveness from my three and a half year old! All I have to do to get his forgiveness is genuinely say sorry and its okay. However, as grownups we remember what happened, who did it, when and how it happened, whose fault was it and so much many facts as if every tiny incidence of life has to be argued in front of the finest jury of the world – so u better be all prepared at all times!!

However, when we seek an apology from a kid a genuine sorry does it all. The child’s faith in you is unshaken by doubts, worldly realities, probabilities and all the other tricks we normally play to get out of  any mess

Let me ask you this – if I ask you to draw me a picture of your mom and dad, will you do it?

Except for those who majored in fine arts or those who very strongly believe that their drawing is a great – these two categories can be parked aside for a while. The rest of you… ? Will you draw?

Okay let’s simplify – draw me a cow? Okay an insect? Okay a flower at least??

Some people after a long silly conversation of proving how horrible their drawing skills are, and after a disclaimer that you are not responsible for the awful looking piece of art and after completely neglecting the concept and the thought that’s been requested -  might draw and some would refuse still and not draw at all. Why??

Ask a three year old – draw me a picture of your mom and dad – bam! In a couple of minutes the full portrait is ready with fancy colors! Kind of a simple thought – but worth giving a second thought... It’s our own grown up judgments, our own inhibitions, and our self-proclaimed territories that make us feel uselessly big or depressingly tiny.  We decide our safe zones and we don’t mess with our impression management at all times. We do not care about the emotions to appear on that sheet of paper. We are worried about the perfect bends and curves to ensure a perfect picture. So then it’s no longer about drawing a family portrait – it becomes personal – it’s now about “your drawing skills”. Happiness similarly is not a blessing, it’s a choice.

Funnily enough or rather ironically enough when we are tiny we are very good at abstract thoughts and comprehend the big picture so well. The more the thought are random the more we enjoy it, and the better we relate to them however as we grow old the only thing we seem to be able to relate to is “numbers”. Yeah yeah… even the so called – I hate numbers or I hate math people are all about numbers. So if your child comes and tells you I have a new friend, what’s that you want to know? What are his likes, how does he sound like, does he also enjoy collecting butterflies…? All these essential matters are insignificant to you. Think harder – you would actually be asking the kid all the questions related to numbers – how old is your friend, where does he live, how many brother sisters does he have and so on…! Strangely as we grow up whether you are a math person or not – it all ends up being about numbers.

I think it wouldn’t be too far from reality to say that as we grow old we start becoming more and shallower from a fully creative child. We like our misfortune to be taken seriously. We desire and dream about simpler things like food, house, money etc. We no longer want to go on stars or no longer want to figure out the name of the lady who sits on the moon with a spinning wheel.

It’s reasonable to agree that sensibility lies in getting a dental insurance rather than hoping for the tooth fairy’s arrival yet there is something inside of us which is born pure and boundless, which fades as we graduate into a grownup.

Revive your dreams, believe in the child who you use to be then the world would seem more colorful and dreams more achievable – no matter what they are.

Had some kid not insisted on wanting to go to the moon – today we would not be playing with the dust of mars and Venus as well!!

 

Only Me ruchi: Fall in Love & Stay Happy!!

Only Me ruchi: Fall in Love & Stay Happy!!: Have you ever been in love? Of course we all have..! That feeling that makes you feel beautiful, that feeling when you smile so much ...

Fall in Love & Stay Happy!!

Have you ever been in love? Of course we all have..! That feeling that makes you feel beautiful, that feeling when you smile so much that it’s easy to believe that you probably slept with a hanger in your mouth… J

When in love the world is suddenly a better place. You believe in the general good of the world, you laugh more, you help more, you live better, you dress better, you feel better and of course you love a lot more!!

Don’t worry it’s not one my phases of going through a mid-life crisis and trying to relive my feelings from when I first fell in love…  See now, read that again, that’s the exact thought that struck me like lightening and I came running to my blog to share it with y’all.

The point is when we are in love we are happy! You feel wanted, loved, missed, adored, admired everything! That’s what is needed to make life so much more beautiful and so much more worth it!

Now, let’s expand the thought a little… Everything in the world that makes it exciting…

The adrenaline, the passion, the romance, the surprise, the dreams of a great life ahead!

Those and many more emotions and experiences that come to us while in love are the ones that make life more and more exciting each day. To be happy every single day and to feel on top of this world every single day – fall in love!

Ok… ok... don’t get excited – I am not suggesting you ditch your partner and go running to the mall to find a new person to fall in love with!!! [Well if you must – then who am I to stop you ;) – go crazy!]

What I mean is find something [or someone] to be in love with – truly. Not like Facebook love it – where you have a perfect life & all! Anything that drives you, anything that makes you feel good about yourself, anything that’s truly worth loving.

If you love your job – then truly love it. I know of people who go through that extra mile to look, behave, perform and do all that it takes to prove it to their own self [& in most obvious ways to all others] that they most dearly love their job.

Take any example… a new marriage – everyone in the family is happy with the concept of the new alliance and there is crazy happiness everywhere. A new baby in the house… everyone is happy with the love for the newborn.

When you see people fighting too much in a relationship, clearly they are not happy and obviously the love is going south. People fighting in family relations, typically with the relatives the love never is really there… it’s all relative you see – mostly an obligation, thus, always an unhappiness. There are happy relations too – your cousins from childhood, that one distant aunt you always miss, ever wondered why? Cause there was love, good old love. Therefore, the happiness!

Wait – don’t confuse the joy of bitching about that most hated relative with happiness you are not in love with her… that’s something else!

People who love cooking, are happy in the kitchen. People who love the outdoors, are happy driving, camping or just being out… it’s simple when in company of what or who you love – you are happy!

When the love starts depleting or when there isn’t enough love for any other reason there is not enough feed to create happiness!

Stay around what you love or love what you are surrounded with – the sure shot way to happiness!

 

 

 

Some days are better than the rest and the rest are worse than some days!

Some days are better than the rest and the rest are worse than some days! We all know that having faith in ourselves is the first thing to do even before we start the journey of developing faith in the almighty. I always thought that this would be an incremental phenomena but as it turns out it doesn’t necessarily work that ways. Some of the days my faith in me is beyond what my surroundings can handle and some [read a lot!!] of days I am like 50 feet of crap… then me…

Well I also thought the on and off switch of the way feel about ourselves would be a teenage phenomenon – as much as I’d like to be that young again, I don’t think this confused self-image ends with teenage, it has a its creepy way of getting on with us just like getting older!

Which brings me back to the basic question – why should we have confidence in ourselves? Why do I need to have a high self-esteem? I have seen people getting driven by other people… their life kind of seems simpler. One need not worry about being on the right path… or being responsible… or having a purpose! Live life and make merry! [or do merry or marry – whatever works for you ;) ]

Well there are 2 kind of people, one; those who have self-confidence and then those who don’t!!

The ones who do, have a convincing amount of belief in their values are self-reliant. They like moving forward and not being pushed. They chose their own path, are focused and have a great sense of innate eternal prospect that makes them become whoever and whatever they chose to become

Interestingly a high self-esteem with substantial self-confidence has nothing to do with being an extreme in anything – you don’t have to be a high performer, or the best student in class or the best of best in every walk of life. I am yet to see a report that says all toppers of all classes are all the CEO’s or the top leaders of the world!

The only connection I have ever been able to build with self-confidence is conviction to learn! It usually works the other way round – if you have the conviction to learn then you are in a comfortable place with yourself! How does this relate to the way you feel..?

Well, I have a theory. I believe as long as you find something exciting to learn, something you strongly feel about… something you are passionate about you would feel great & positive about yourself and keep boosting your self-confidence. Strangely enough it gets into a vicious circle.

The more you are learning new things the more confidence you gain and when you are comfortable with your state of high self-confidence you are not scared to follow your conviction to learn more and explore!

Guess I took the long route to say the simple thing – stay busy with what you are passionate about, follow your heart, explore and learn new things and that would resonate to a more confident you and a happier you!

Now go back to the days you are really struggling with yourself, the days you feel like the worse has just begun and lot more shit is around the corner – go back and analyze what you’ve been up to in these days… I bet you got caught in the routine, or you were doing things out of obligation or go sucked into something you don’t feel so strongly about – maybe at home, maybe with your significant others, maybe at work…?

Find a way to get back to learning a new thing, add a mix of your passion and be on track!

Ever wondered why people enjoy gossips – cause they are learning something “new” about “someone”

We as human being will always show conviction in people and new – and gossips combine these 2…

On that note – keep learning and stay confident!

The Reason...

Let’s start with a story, I am sure it will lay the ground work to the thought that’s been on my mind for a long time now…

I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She never meant harm, she never said anything wrong and probably she meant really well. Though she gossiped with passion. Now hold on, don’t judge me yet! Who doesn’t like a little gossip..! We all do. But if this becomes a compulsive behavior it can start sucking the energy out of you than giving you the cheesy thrills you seek.

Sometimes, when I’d hear things she’d said behind my back or figure that she had been influencing other people’s opinions about me – negatively, I would hurt but not react. I was still sure she and I were great friends. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her assuming full confidence and trust in her.

Obviously, I knew this was one of those toxic relations I spoke about in the other blog. Unfortunately I didn’t have the strength and for some reason the will to try to rationalize her behavior even though I cared about her.

Something tells me probably this kind of behavior is an outcome of self-doubt, so maybe she did this to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions but could never talk to her about this situation. I was so much in shock with my own miss judgment of a person. I had always been so confident of the friends I had, it’s usually a complementing relationship! Once the friendship strikes – there usually is no looking back..! But here for some reason I was suffocating.

This seemed like a compulsive behavior of not being true to anyone and the psychologist in me was screaming – she needs help! Either fix it or get out of there.

We also had a few other common friends. A couple of them I truly cherished and admired. I still miss being with them but it seems like they were a package deal! They would all complain about each other but still be together.

The final nail in the coffin was, when she started lying to me about these other two friends. The personal situations they might have shared with her in confidence came to me from her as gossip! Something she demonstrated too much joy and energy in sharing with me and maybe many others!

This got me disturbed, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change and finally shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.

Unfortunately, lost the other two friends too… Interestingly she came about looking as the victim and I as the bitch!

Months, even years later, mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.

All the old questions such as “Why was she so careless with others personal situations?” and “How did I become friends with someone so shallow?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.

For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.

But then, I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering—just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy. It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy.

I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.

Sadly, this issue of toxic friendships isn’t uncommon. I bet we all have people in our lives who leave us feeling miserable and drained of energy. I also think that when we hang around with these characters, we hold ourselves back and increase our odds of becoming negative.

So what do we do? Do we abandon people if they’re bad for us? Or do we stick around to help them out?

When we choose to associate with positive people, we tend to become happier and brighter and enjoy better lives.

In my case, I chose to move on…! It’s not easy to start over! It can get seriously lonely sometimes, but I guess it’s a choice one needs to make – toxic company or no company, of course for a short period of time –then we all find friends J

When I think of my old friend, I only hope she is happy. Letting her go didn’t mean that I don’t care. It just means I want to be happy myself. That’s why it’s so important to forgive, love, and move on when you have to: We all deserve to be happy. We have the power to make it happen.

If you’re into personal growth, you will at some point outgrow some or all of your friends. The sooner you can accept it, the easier it’ll be. Your friends may object and ask you why you’re abandoning them, but there’s not much you can do. The signs are obvious.

It can get lonely while you’re transitioning from one group of friends to another. You’ll wish that you could go back to the way things were. Friendship is like that. Everything seems so much easier when you selectively pick out memories from the past.

It’s not that you’re suddenly better than your friends. As you keep growing you will literally move into another wavelength, which is why your connection to your friends is fading. There’s always going to be that sense of obligation, of staying true to your friends, but you also have to stay true to yourself. Sometimes you just have to move on. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet up with some of your old friends.

You can’t keep doing what doesn’t feel absolutely right, because it will end up making you miserable. While this may sound harsh, it’s the truth. Listen to your heart.

Let your feelings and heart guide you when it comes to making decisions. If you don’t feel like an activity you used to do with your friends no longer excites you, don’t do it. If something else still seems cool, do it. It’s simple.

Listen to yourself instead of your friends. It’s up to you to play out your own life. Every person in your life is there for a reason. You may feel obligated or bad about cutting your friends loose, but if you’re not 100% happy with where you are and who you are spending your time with, it’s time for change. It’s time to look for a new social circle.

A Healthy Mix!!

When I was studying and practicing psychology I always liked and eventually relied more on the eclectic approach. Without going into the psycho details of it – eclectic would mean a healthy mix or balance of all that’s known. Before I could figure,,, I now have an eclectic approach towards everything – life… people… lifestyle… friends… enemies… the good… the bad… and the ugly!!

The beauty of it is it helps me work with the basic mantra of life that I was always reminded of as a kid “Atii sarvatra varjyatey” – meaning – excess of everything is bad. Looks like if you follow this principle you end up in the lap of an eclectic approach in life – cause you always make room for a little of everything. Since you aren’t in the race for too much of anything you end up adding a handsome variety to make up for it.

The interesting thing about this thought process is that you get to be with and sometimes deal with all kinds of people and situations in life – thanks to the variety you’ve added. To me that’s not a bad thing either. Cause the wider the spread of experiences you have the more your faith in the general good of life, world, people etc. would be built. Having this mix of all kinds of people and all kinds of situations acts like this multi stage refining process and the only outcome is ‘a better you’!

Other individuals affect us more than any other factor in the world. They are the most unpredictable, the most mysterious and the most exciting — at least, some are. There are other types of individuals, however. Then there are those who are more toxic than they are precious. If you want to live the best life possible, you should surround yourself with the best people possible; the best possible situations would follow J

More importantly, you would want to avoid all the toxic ones who will make you worse off for knowing them. The nicer people understand the importance and influence that human beings have on one another and use this knowledge to their advantage.

The good fellas am referring to aren’t flawless and aren’t impervious to all. With enough damage coming from enough sides, even the strongest will fall. The trick is to plan ahead and avoid those that make up the worst of the worst – I’ve been lucky to have this opportunity to let go of these energy suckers multiple times and then good times followed suite.

The big ones to look out for are those who feel the need to be showy are always compensating for something and trying to prove their worth to themselves. Unfortunately for them, this is how you know they have little worth.

Showing and trying to make other people envious is a waste of time, unless you’re trying to make yourself feel better about yourself at the expense of others. People that do such things are not the kind of people you want to keep around.

Then there are those who are too smart. I’m not talking the kind of dumb that can’t be helped; I’m talking about the kind of dumb that is a result of an immense ego, voluntary ignorance and self-righteousness.

Most of us know at least one or two people who are completely unintelligent as a result of continually making bad decisions and not learning from their mistakes for their entire lives.

Yet another category is the kind that would not only drain you mentally and emotionally but financially as well! Growing up, we’ve all had or been that friend who was always a bit broke and always happy to take a handout. When our friends are at a difficult point in their lives, there’s no reason not to help them out or to offer to pay for a few rounds of their drinks so they come out and have fun with the rest of the group. The problem is when the person seems comfortable in the position and is making little to no effort of improving their spending habits.

The list is fairly long… the lazy, the yolo kinds who like to get wasted and waste their lives… and of course the crown wining to those that spend their time running their mouths spend little time doing anything else – the famous big talkers!

I’d keep on fence with the non-dreamers, the comfort zone experts & the non-believers too! Unfortunately some of the believers too remind me of the donkey from the movie “Shrek” singing “I am a believer…” in high pitch……

Yet the biggest disasters around you could be the ones that are perpetually depressed!!

Not those that have an actual chemical imbalance, but those who act like they do. We all know people who are always feeling bad for themselves, always complaining about how difficult their lives are and how unlucky they are.

Bad luck is not a lifelong circumstance. If your life sucks, then guess what? It’s mostly, if not entirely, your fault. Don’t keep these folks around unless you want them to bring you down with them.

Given we cannot completely avoid these kind of experiences to value the good ones in our life and to add to the spice, you would want to keep a healthy mix of life going with a healthy mix of people and experiences :)

stay healthy...!

 

 

Only Me ruchi: Do You Trust Your Kid?

Only Me ruchi: Do You Trust Your Kid?: Do You Trust Your Kid? The answer to my question would you be an instant one from most of you – “of course yes!!” I seriously doub...

Do You Trust Your Kid?

Do You Trust Your Kid?

The answer to my question would you be an instant one from most of you – “of course yes!!”

I seriously doubt that though, for what I am referring to is much larger than just a question that can be answered by just an answer. Think again.

Okay, let’ go back to your childhood. Were you trusted by the grown-ups that mattered? Were your opinions considered valuable? Was a decision ever made trusting your instincts even though you were only a child? How was the reaction of your parents or the significant others when you said you would like to be a scientist who could invent a car that could take you to the moon? What happened when you wore your birthday tiara and said one day I am going to be the miss universe…?

When we talk of trusting our children we are not really talking about just the everyday matters of telling the truth or the little lies that childhood is made of. It’s how much confidence you show in them, their thoughts, their dreams and trust them like you would any grown up if they talked about their dreams or career goals.

The simple thing is confidence breeds confidence and trust breeds trust. This is not only true for our relationships and life in general but is particularly critical when raising kids. They have better senses than maybe 10 fully grown men put together [yeah, yeah, I used “men” intentionally, women of course have much sharper senses anyways  J ] Kids can quickly sense your reaction and that would have a lasting impact on their memory for the rest of their life and would be crucial in shaping their personalities too – so watch out if you are faking it!!

Another simple thing would be to ask yourself, how did you react when the child wears a new dress or gets new shoes or dresses up with effort for a special occasion – do you just say a few good things and move on, do you give a whole lot of speech on how wonderful they look but don’t really mean it entirely…  Do you board the values train and enlighten them that they should really not focus so much on their looks and worry about the real things in life!

I get it, we all say we love our kids and no matter what they wear or do we love them unconditionally. That’s not the point here the point is how you show them that affection and how authentically you do so.

For instance, I know a certain parents who love their kids just as much as any other perfectly loving parents would but at the same time preaching that it absolutely doesn’t matter how you look. You have to focus on your values, your belief system, respect for elders etc. etc… the good stuff in life. As adults you’d be glad that this was the philosophy one grew up with... However, think of this child’s confidence every single morning getting dressed for school, college, work, date, or probably the most important day of his/her life… it’s ruined. He looks in to the mirror and convinces himself I am this average or below average looking person who needs to be good at a zillion other things but should not worry about the way I look…. That’s not true!! The overall package of being confident has to do with everything, the way you look, what you believe, how you present yourself and over all what do you think and believe about your own self!!

It all starts fairly early – Do you listen to the little ones when they are describing their day at the preschool… a crayon fight or boy being too boyish that the little girl couldn’t handle..? This probably is setting ground that when they are teenagers would they like to share their concerns with you or not.

The way you react to their stories is extremely important too. Are you too short with them… or do you let them finish their stories and let them tell you what really happened..?

Think of it this way, when you walk into the office of this awesomely awesome doctor that you’ve got an appointment with a lot of trouble just because you think he/ she is the best of the best. Even though you know this doctor is “THE” one, when you reach the clinic, you would by all means like to tell your story, share your symptoms and some of us the more smart ones like to share with the doctor their own little research and the prognosis & diagnosis as well. What if this doctor after your 10 seconds of talk time tells you exactly what’s wrong with you, writes your prescription and sends you away!!

As much as one would agree that this doc maybe totally right and hitting the bulls eye in treating you – you would be strongly disappointed cause he did not hear you out. He did not let you tell your story your way. This isn’t a surprise; most great doctors I have come across are like this. It’s the experience and knowledge together that somewhere drives them to be a bit arrogant.

Now this is exactly what the awesomely awesome parents do too. We all love our kids way too much to let them through any hard times. We know them too well and can quickly figure out what’s wrong and what they need to make it right!! We want to create short cuts for them, avoid any possible bad experiences for them and in the process what we do is tell them that they are wrong and we are right. In the process we somehow end up giving this doctor like 10 second judgments of their stories and their experiences and impose our thoughts onto them. The result being that the kid would start doubting not only their own thinking and processing capabilities but would also doubt if any of this is worth sharing with the – Oh so learned parent!!

You as a parent will learn to trust, learn to show confidence in your child for them to be able to build these qualities in them to make them their personality. If they trust you on something and share it in total confidence with you, don’t share it with your friend or neighbor just to prove to them how much your kids share with you… If you are in conversation with your kids let them finish it and tell you what they think really happened there rather than jumping the gun and giving them a verdict… if you trust them on smaller things when they are tiny and truly share the joy of the impossible dreams of maybe making a staircase to Mars may be someday they would be able to trust you with more realistic issues in life. That’s when you would get your true chance of being able to tap into your wisdom and experience and share your thoughts with them. That’s when your guidance would truly matter!!

You demonstrate Trust to your kids and they would learn to trust others… You show confidence in them and they would believe in your confidence and live a much stronger, stable, Confident life…!!

 keep reading...

RK

 

Dear Diary...You Messed me Up!!

Lately, I have been pretty absorbed by the idea of positive energy and negative energy. I am gradually getting more and more convince that all good in life comes because of all the positivity in life and all our bad thoughts results into bad experiences. Hence, anything that dwells on negativity will always lead to horrible experiences and life events.

I remember growing up with tons of Hindu mythology stories that somehow have stayed with me longer than I thought they would and are gradually becoming more and more meaningful in my own weird ways. One such stories mentioned that the household that carries the book “Mahabharata” will always be in chaos and fighting – just like the way it is in the book. This is pretty much in sync with what we hear from the various Feng Shui & Vaastu experts – the nature of energy in your household is directly related to the kind of literature & art work at home.

Good books and good stuff at home will encourage positivity – just as a clutter free home would. This is logically true as well, a cluttered house would be a breeding ground for germs and diseases and a dirty environment is known to lowers our brains functionality, thus making us depressed, anxious, sloppy and nervous.

Coming to the point of this post now –

We’ve all at some point in time written a diary a journal a letter to our own self or whatever else you call it. So what do you write in your “personal” diary? Actually, let’s take a step back. Who are the folks who believe in writing a diary? Well, as we all know, the typical ones would be the ones who claim to be absolutely uncomfortable sharing their thoughts, experiences and their feelings most importantly, with another person. When the burden of their feelings, grows beyond what they can handle they resort to expressing it to the famous – “Dear Diary”!

This is very confusing to me, you are advised to reduce your burden of the bundled up emotions by secretly writing them into a diary that stays within your locked up space. In my understanding that’s like a bundle of negativity that I keep in my bed side drawer. Think about it, when do you write the diary – when something so upsetting so bad is happening to you in life that you are not able to share it with anyone – no one at all. So basically it’s the darkest form of bad energy that we neatly describe in words and keep it safe in our homes.

We have all since ever been encouraged to keep a journal. My 6 year old has one too. Has anyone ever told us what to write in it, was there a rule book about these journals? No. Since we were told that this is our personal space that we do not have to share with anyone, we ‘assumed’ we could use this to vent our emotions. Interestingly, I am yet to come across a lot of people who use this diary to write only and only great & wonderful experiences of life.

Most people resort to diaries when there is no other resort left.

Point is, if you really wish to feel better and the things that are so personal & are bothering you so much, the things that are so private, why not write them with a positive twist if it has to stay in your home. Why make it a page of Mahabharata that would bring in all the negative energy to your life. The concept is not to stop writing a diary, but not to make the diary a holy grail of all that’s bad in your life. Even if writing all the mishaps of your life made you feel better, there is no reason why you should have a ready reckoner of those mishaps at your disposal at all the times. It’s like killing all your worst enemies and keeping the corpses in your closet..!

Write, oh please, of course write your journal and I encourage my little boy to do so too but write about your dreams, what’s good & worth remembering and documenting. If something that was a bad experience how about you try to get over it and not document it for future reference.

This diary thought lead me to yet another concept. Think about that one person in your life who lately – in the recent past or present is that one person you have been confining too much into. Think sharply, this may not be your best friend. We all have those friends who have been around us forever. The special ones we speak to once in a while but they know you the best and don’t demand your presence or attention every day yet are there for you when you need them the most and then there are those who claim to be your most dear friends but they always have an agenda.

The one friend you have been confining too much and lately sharing too much about all that’s making you miserable could be an altogether a different kind of friend. I like to call them the “bitching buddies”. They are present everywhere – office, home, family, neighborhood, gym, grocery store… every damn where!! If you check closely the conversations you have with these people you might not be discussing your career aspirations or your other futuristic developmental thoughts, they probably are not your best financial advisors too. Then who are these “Best Friends” who you talk to more often than your real friends and you can share all your personal mess with them so conveniently, so seamlessly…??

These people just like your dear diary are the suckers for bad energy, the gossip mongers and the hub of all evil! They attract us like magnets on days we are low on self-esteem on the days we feel like the center of all the miserable hell holes of life. They have a skill to make you think and talk about all that’s bad around you. You could write a book with them on the annoying neighbors, the demanding jobs, the problems in school, children, marriage, and in-laws even the economy in general! They are experts in dragging you into this amazingly negative conversation where no matter what great mood you were in they would eventually get you to bitch about something or someone that reassures you that – “well!! your life is a mess!!”

The funny thing is you would feel great talking to these people, as you get lured into believing that finally you have someone in life who understands you, who knows you are awesome but just surrounded by horrible people and unmanageable situations. These are the only true friends you think you have who understand the poor you – ‘the victim you!!’

Well, victim yes, but not of circumstances but of these negative energy generating hubs.

Another cool thing about these kind of “friends” is that they keep changing – you might not be bitching your gut out to the same person since you learned to bitch,,,

Bottom line whether you are talking to yourself in the secret way of writing a diary or your are sharing it with your bitching buddy – as long as the content of this sharing and ventilating is negative no good is ever gonna come out of this. If your expression is of something sad the feeling with it and the outcome reaction of all this will eventually make you sad.

Things in life will at some point go wrong, the more you talk about something going wrong in life to your so called best friend the more you are inviting negative energy in your life. Think about the process of this sharing you’ll know how logically you are building up ground for more bad stuff…

-        You think about a bad experience  - makes you feel bad

-        You talk it through in your head – makes you feel bad

-        You talk about it to your bitching buddy – makes you feel bad

-        You analyze the bad experience with your buddy – makes you feel worse

-        You have done so much repetition of the bad experience that now there is no way you can forget it – you will continue to feel bad

-        You feel bad – you go back to your bitching buddy cause you feel bad

-        To assure you that you are awesome but it’s the bad experience in life that makes you feel so bad you both together repeat it, discuss it again and then continue to feel bad….!!

You see… this never ends!! It can never end!

All good bad ugly is part of life, what would you like to focus your energy on is all that would make the difference… Choosing to be positive will not come to you naturally; you’ll have to make that decision daily.

That’s why the saying – Good things happen to good people!

 RK