The Reason...

Let’s start with a story, I am sure it will lay the ground work to the thought that’s been on my mind for a long time now…

I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She never meant harm, she never said anything wrong and probably she meant really well. Though she gossiped with passion. Now hold on, don’t judge me yet! Who doesn’t like a little gossip..! We all do. But if this becomes a compulsive behavior it can start sucking the energy out of you than giving you the cheesy thrills you seek.

Sometimes, when I’d hear things she’d said behind my back or figure that she had been influencing other people’s opinions about me – negatively, I would hurt but not react. I was still sure she and I were great friends. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her assuming full confidence and trust in her.

Obviously, I knew this was one of those toxic relations I spoke about in the other blog. Unfortunately I didn’t have the strength and for some reason the will to try to rationalize her behavior even though I cared about her.

Something tells me probably this kind of behavior is an outcome of self-doubt, so maybe she did this to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions but could never talk to her about this situation. I was so much in shock with my own miss judgment of a person. I had always been so confident of the friends I had, it’s usually a complementing relationship! Once the friendship strikes – there usually is no looking back..! But here for some reason I was suffocating.

This seemed like a compulsive behavior of not being true to anyone and the psychologist in me was screaming – she needs help! Either fix it or get out of there.

We also had a few other common friends. A couple of them I truly cherished and admired. I still miss being with them but it seems like they were a package deal! They would all complain about each other but still be together.

The final nail in the coffin was, when she started lying to me about these other two friends. The personal situations they might have shared with her in confidence came to me from her as gossip! Something she demonstrated too much joy and energy in sharing with me and maybe many others!

This got me disturbed, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change and finally shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.

Unfortunately, lost the other two friends too… Interestingly she came about looking as the victim and I as the bitch!

Months, even years later, mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.

All the old questions such as “Why was she so careless with others personal situations?” and “How did I become friends with someone so shallow?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.

For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.

But then, I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering—just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy. It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy.

I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.

Sadly, this issue of toxic friendships isn’t uncommon. I bet we all have people in our lives who leave us feeling miserable and drained of energy. I also think that when we hang around with these characters, we hold ourselves back and increase our odds of becoming negative.

So what do we do? Do we abandon people if they’re bad for us? Or do we stick around to help them out?

When we choose to associate with positive people, we tend to become happier and brighter and enjoy better lives.

In my case, I chose to move on…! It’s not easy to start over! It can get seriously lonely sometimes, but I guess it’s a choice one needs to make – toxic company or no company, of course for a short period of time –then we all find friends J

When I think of my old friend, I only hope she is happy. Letting her go didn’t mean that I don’t care. It just means I want to be happy myself. That’s why it’s so important to forgive, love, and move on when you have to: We all deserve to be happy. We have the power to make it happen.

If you’re into personal growth, you will at some point outgrow some or all of your friends. The sooner you can accept it, the easier it’ll be. Your friends may object and ask you why you’re abandoning them, but there’s not much you can do. The signs are obvious.

It can get lonely while you’re transitioning from one group of friends to another. You’ll wish that you could go back to the way things were. Friendship is like that. Everything seems so much easier when you selectively pick out memories from the past.

It’s not that you’re suddenly better than your friends. As you keep growing you will literally move into another wavelength, which is why your connection to your friends is fading. There’s always going to be that sense of obligation, of staying true to your friends, but you also have to stay true to yourself. Sometimes you just have to move on. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet up with some of your old friends.

You can’t keep doing what doesn’t feel absolutely right, because it will end up making you miserable. While this may sound harsh, it’s the truth. Listen to your heart.

Let your feelings and heart guide you when it comes to making decisions. If you don’t feel like an activity you used to do with your friends no longer excites you, don’t do it. If something else still seems cool, do it. It’s simple.

Listen to yourself instead of your friends. It’s up to you to play out your own life. Every person in your life is there for a reason. You may feel obligated or bad about cutting your friends loose, but if you’re not 100% happy with where you are and who you are spending your time with, it’s time for change. It’s time to look for a new social circle.

A Healthy Mix!!

When I was studying and practicing psychology I always liked and eventually relied more on the eclectic approach. Without going into the psycho details of it – eclectic would mean a healthy mix or balance of all that’s known. Before I could figure,,, I now have an eclectic approach towards everything – life… people… lifestyle… friends… enemies… the good… the bad… and the ugly!!

The beauty of it is it helps me work with the basic mantra of life that I was always reminded of as a kid “Atii sarvatra varjyatey” – meaning – excess of everything is bad. Looks like if you follow this principle you end up in the lap of an eclectic approach in life – cause you always make room for a little of everything. Since you aren’t in the race for too much of anything you end up adding a handsome variety to make up for it.

The interesting thing about this thought process is that you get to be with and sometimes deal with all kinds of people and situations in life – thanks to the variety you’ve added. To me that’s not a bad thing either. Cause the wider the spread of experiences you have the more your faith in the general good of life, world, people etc. would be built. Having this mix of all kinds of people and all kinds of situations acts like this multi stage refining process and the only outcome is ‘a better you’!

Other individuals affect us more than any other factor in the world. They are the most unpredictable, the most mysterious and the most exciting — at least, some are. There are other types of individuals, however. Then there are those who are more toxic than they are precious. If you want to live the best life possible, you should surround yourself with the best people possible; the best possible situations would follow J

More importantly, you would want to avoid all the toxic ones who will make you worse off for knowing them. The nicer people understand the importance and influence that human beings have on one another and use this knowledge to their advantage.

The good fellas am referring to aren’t flawless and aren’t impervious to all. With enough damage coming from enough sides, even the strongest will fall. The trick is to plan ahead and avoid those that make up the worst of the worst – I’ve been lucky to have this opportunity to let go of these energy suckers multiple times and then good times followed suite.

The big ones to look out for are those who feel the need to be showy are always compensating for something and trying to prove their worth to themselves. Unfortunately for them, this is how you know they have little worth.

Showing and trying to make other people envious is a waste of time, unless you’re trying to make yourself feel better about yourself at the expense of others. People that do such things are not the kind of people you want to keep around.

Then there are those who are too smart. I’m not talking the kind of dumb that can’t be helped; I’m talking about the kind of dumb that is a result of an immense ego, voluntary ignorance and self-righteousness.

Most of us know at least one or two people who are completely unintelligent as a result of continually making bad decisions and not learning from their mistakes for their entire lives.

Yet another category is the kind that would not only drain you mentally and emotionally but financially as well! Growing up, we’ve all had or been that friend who was always a bit broke and always happy to take a handout. When our friends are at a difficult point in their lives, there’s no reason not to help them out or to offer to pay for a few rounds of their drinks so they come out and have fun with the rest of the group. The problem is when the person seems comfortable in the position and is making little to no effort of improving their spending habits.

The list is fairly long… the lazy, the yolo kinds who like to get wasted and waste their lives… and of course the crown wining to those that spend their time running their mouths spend little time doing anything else – the famous big talkers!

I’d keep on fence with the non-dreamers, the comfort zone experts & the non-believers too! Unfortunately some of the believers too remind me of the donkey from the movie “Shrek” singing “I am a believer…” in high pitch……

Yet the biggest disasters around you could be the ones that are perpetually depressed!!

Not those that have an actual chemical imbalance, but those who act like they do. We all know people who are always feeling bad for themselves, always complaining about how difficult their lives are and how unlucky they are.

Bad luck is not a lifelong circumstance. If your life sucks, then guess what? It’s mostly, if not entirely, your fault. Don’t keep these folks around unless you want them to bring you down with them.

Given we cannot completely avoid these kind of experiences to value the good ones in our life and to add to the spice, you would want to keep a healthy mix of life going with a healthy mix of people and experiences :)

stay healthy...!

 

 

Only Me ruchi: Do You Trust Your Kid?

Only Me ruchi: Do You Trust Your Kid?: Do You Trust Your Kid? The answer to my question would you be an instant one from most of you – “of course yes!!” I seriously doub...

Do You Trust Your Kid?

Do You Trust Your Kid?

The answer to my question would you be an instant one from most of you – “of course yes!!”

I seriously doubt that though, for what I am referring to is much larger than just a question that can be answered by just an answer. Think again.

Okay, let’ go back to your childhood. Were you trusted by the grown-ups that mattered? Were your opinions considered valuable? Was a decision ever made trusting your instincts even though you were only a child? How was the reaction of your parents or the significant others when you said you would like to be a scientist who could invent a car that could take you to the moon? What happened when you wore your birthday tiara and said one day I am going to be the miss universe…?

When we talk of trusting our children we are not really talking about just the everyday matters of telling the truth or the little lies that childhood is made of. It’s how much confidence you show in them, their thoughts, their dreams and trust them like you would any grown up if they talked about their dreams or career goals.

The simple thing is confidence breeds confidence and trust breeds trust. This is not only true for our relationships and life in general but is particularly critical when raising kids. They have better senses than maybe 10 fully grown men put together [yeah, yeah, I used “men” intentionally, women of course have much sharper senses anyways  J ] Kids can quickly sense your reaction and that would have a lasting impact on their memory for the rest of their life and would be crucial in shaping their personalities too – so watch out if you are faking it!!

Another simple thing would be to ask yourself, how did you react when the child wears a new dress or gets new shoes or dresses up with effort for a special occasion – do you just say a few good things and move on, do you give a whole lot of speech on how wonderful they look but don’t really mean it entirely…  Do you board the values train and enlighten them that they should really not focus so much on their looks and worry about the real things in life!

I get it, we all say we love our kids and no matter what they wear or do we love them unconditionally. That’s not the point here the point is how you show them that affection and how authentically you do so.

For instance, I know a certain parents who love their kids just as much as any other perfectly loving parents would but at the same time preaching that it absolutely doesn’t matter how you look. You have to focus on your values, your belief system, respect for elders etc. etc… the good stuff in life. As adults you’d be glad that this was the philosophy one grew up with... However, think of this child’s confidence every single morning getting dressed for school, college, work, date, or probably the most important day of his/her life… it’s ruined. He looks in to the mirror and convinces himself I am this average or below average looking person who needs to be good at a zillion other things but should not worry about the way I look…. That’s not true!! The overall package of being confident has to do with everything, the way you look, what you believe, how you present yourself and over all what do you think and believe about your own self!!

It all starts fairly early – Do you listen to the little ones when they are describing their day at the preschool… a crayon fight or boy being too boyish that the little girl couldn’t handle..? This probably is setting ground that when they are teenagers would they like to share their concerns with you or not.

The way you react to their stories is extremely important too. Are you too short with them… or do you let them finish their stories and let them tell you what really happened..?

Think of it this way, when you walk into the office of this awesomely awesome doctor that you’ve got an appointment with a lot of trouble just because you think he/ she is the best of the best. Even though you know this doctor is “THE” one, when you reach the clinic, you would by all means like to tell your story, share your symptoms and some of us the more smart ones like to share with the doctor their own little research and the prognosis & diagnosis as well. What if this doctor after your 10 seconds of talk time tells you exactly what’s wrong with you, writes your prescription and sends you away!!

As much as one would agree that this doc maybe totally right and hitting the bulls eye in treating you – you would be strongly disappointed cause he did not hear you out. He did not let you tell your story your way. This isn’t a surprise; most great doctors I have come across are like this. It’s the experience and knowledge together that somewhere drives them to be a bit arrogant.

Now this is exactly what the awesomely awesome parents do too. We all love our kids way too much to let them through any hard times. We know them too well and can quickly figure out what’s wrong and what they need to make it right!! We want to create short cuts for them, avoid any possible bad experiences for them and in the process what we do is tell them that they are wrong and we are right. In the process we somehow end up giving this doctor like 10 second judgments of their stories and their experiences and impose our thoughts onto them. The result being that the kid would start doubting not only their own thinking and processing capabilities but would also doubt if any of this is worth sharing with the – Oh so learned parent!!

You as a parent will learn to trust, learn to show confidence in your child for them to be able to build these qualities in them to make them their personality. If they trust you on something and share it in total confidence with you, don’t share it with your friend or neighbor just to prove to them how much your kids share with you… If you are in conversation with your kids let them finish it and tell you what they think really happened there rather than jumping the gun and giving them a verdict… if you trust them on smaller things when they are tiny and truly share the joy of the impossible dreams of maybe making a staircase to Mars may be someday they would be able to trust you with more realistic issues in life. That’s when you would get your true chance of being able to tap into your wisdom and experience and share your thoughts with them. That’s when your guidance would truly matter!!

You demonstrate Trust to your kids and they would learn to trust others… You show confidence in them and they would believe in your confidence and live a much stronger, stable, Confident life…!!

 keep reading...

RK

 

Dear Diary...You Messed me Up!!

Lately, I have been pretty absorbed by the idea of positive energy and negative energy. I am gradually getting more and more convince that all good in life comes because of all the positivity in life and all our bad thoughts results into bad experiences. Hence, anything that dwells on negativity will always lead to horrible experiences and life events.

I remember growing up with tons of Hindu mythology stories that somehow have stayed with me longer than I thought they would and are gradually becoming more and more meaningful in my own weird ways. One such stories mentioned that the household that carries the book “Mahabharata” will always be in chaos and fighting – just like the way it is in the book. This is pretty much in sync with what we hear from the various Feng Shui & Vaastu experts – the nature of energy in your household is directly related to the kind of literature & art work at home.

Good books and good stuff at home will encourage positivity – just as a clutter free home would. This is logically true as well, a cluttered house would be a breeding ground for germs and diseases and a dirty environment is known to lowers our brains functionality, thus making us depressed, anxious, sloppy and nervous.

Coming to the point of this post now –

We’ve all at some point in time written a diary a journal a letter to our own self or whatever else you call it. So what do you write in your “personal” diary? Actually, let’s take a step back. Who are the folks who believe in writing a diary? Well, as we all know, the typical ones would be the ones who claim to be absolutely uncomfortable sharing their thoughts, experiences and their feelings most importantly, with another person. When the burden of their feelings, grows beyond what they can handle they resort to expressing it to the famous – “Dear Diary”!

This is very confusing to me, you are advised to reduce your burden of the bundled up emotions by secretly writing them into a diary that stays within your locked up space. In my understanding that’s like a bundle of negativity that I keep in my bed side drawer. Think about it, when do you write the diary – when something so upsetting so bad is happening to you in life that you are not able to share it with anyone – no one at all. So basically it’s the darkest form of bad energy that we neatly describe in words and keep it safe in our homes.

We have all since ever been encouraged to keep a journal. My 6 year old has one too. Has anyone ever told us what to write in it, was there a rule book about these journals? No. Since we were told that this is our personal space that we do not have to share with anyone, we ‘assumed’ we could use this to vent our emotions. Interestingly, I am yet to come across a lot of people who use this diary to write only and only great & wonderful experiences of life.

Most people resort to diaries when there is no other resort left.

Point is, if you really wish to feel better and the things that are so personal & are bothering you so much, the things that are so private, why not write them with a positive twist if it has to stay in your home. Why make it a page of Mahabharata that would bring in all the negative energy to your life. The concept is not to stop writing a diary, but not to make the diary a holy grail of all that’s bad in your life. Even if writing all the mishaps of your life made you feel better, there is no reason why you should have a ready reckoner of those mishaps at your disposal at all the times. It’s like killing all your worst enemies and keeping the corpses in your closet..!

Write, oh please, of course write your journal and I encourage my little boy to do so too but write about your dreams, what’s good & worth remembering and documenting. If something that was a bad experience how about you try to get over it and not document it for future reference.

This diary thought lead me to yet another concept. Think about that one person in your life who lately – in the recent past or present is that one person you have been confining too much into. Think sharply, this may not be your best friend. We all have those friends who have been around us forever. The special ones we speak to once in a while but they know you the best and don’t demand your presence or attention every day yet are there for you when you need them the most and then there are those who claim to be your most dear friends but they always have an agenda.

The one friend you have been confining too much and lately sharing too much about all that’s making you miserable could be an altogether a different kind of friend. I like to call them the “bitching buddies”. They are present everywhere – office, home, family, neighborhood, gym, grocery store… every damn where!! If you check closely the conversations you have with these people you might not be discussing your career aspirations or your other futuristic developmental thoughts, they probably are not your best financial advisors too. Then who are these “Best Friends” who you talk to more often than your real friends and you can share all your personal mess with them so conveniently, so seamlessly…??

These people just like your dear diary are the suckers for bad energy, the gossip mongers and the hub of all evil! They attract us like magnets on days we are low on self-esteem on the days we feel like the center of all the miserable hell holes of life. They have a skill to make you think and talk about all that’s bad around you. You could write a book with them on the annoying neighbors, the demanding jobs, the problems in school, children, marriage, and in-laws even the economy in general! They are experts in dragging you into this amazingly negative conversation where no matter what great mood you were in they would eventually get you to bitch about something or someone that reassures you that – “well!! your life is a mess!!”

The funny thing is you would feel great talking to these people, as you get lured into believing that finally you have someone in life who understands you, who knows you are awesome but just surrounded by horrible people and unmanageable situations. These are the only true friends you think you have who understand the poor you – ‘the victim you!!’

Well, victim yes, but not of circumstances but of these negative energy generating hubs.

Another cool thing about these kind of “friends” is that they keep changing – you might not be bitching your gut out to the same person since you learned to bitch,,,

Bottom line whether you are talking to yourself in the secret way of writing a diary or your are sharing it with your bitching buddy – as long as the content of this sharing and ventilating is negative no good is ever gonna come out of this. If your expression is of something sad the feeling with it and the outcome reaction of all this will eventually make you sad.

Things in life will at some point go wrong, the more you talk about something going wrong in life to your so called best friend the more you are inviting negative energy in your life. Think about the process of this sharing you’ll know how logically you are building up ground for more bad stuff…

-        You think about a bad experience  - makes you feel bad

-        You talk it through in your head – makes you feel bad

-        You talk about it to your bitching buddy – makes you feel bad

-        You analyze the bad experience with your buddy – makes you feel worse

-        You have done so much repetition of the bad experience that now there is no way you can forget it – you will continue to feel bad

-        You feel bad – you go back to your bitching buddy cause you feel bad

-        To assure you that you are awesome but it’s the bad experience in life that makes you feel so bad you both together repeat it, discuss it again and then continue to feel bad….!!

You see… this never ends!! It can never end!

All good bad ugly is part of life, what would you like to focus your energy on is all that would make the difference… Choosing to be positive will not come to you naturally; you’ll have to make that decision daily.

That’s why the saying – Good things happen to good people!

 RK

Only Me ruchi: Hit the ceiling Yet..!!

Only Me ruchi: Hit the ceiling Yet..!!: Someone chewing the food too loudly, the dog not behaving, your child not attending to the studies, husband taking forever to get home, you...

Hit the ceiling Yet..!!

Someone chewing the food too loudly, the dog not behaving, your child not attending to the studies, husband taking forever to get home, your boss overriding your ideas and the list can go on with the most routine, rubbish things - that could make you angry "everyday" "any day" and unbearably !

If the above defines you, or is cutting close to where you are headed then by all means - you have or are about to hit the ceiling! I on the other hand feel like I hit the ceiling a few times a day and then i go on to hit all the other ceilings there are...

Well there are a mountain things that could make you mad and make you lose your temper. The reason - well there are times when you do not need a reason to lose your calm, there are times when it can be a silly thing that could blow your top and there are times when you'd argue that you DO truly deserve to be angry. The interesting thing is there is no reason - rather no kind of reason that could be justified true enough - to be angry.

Anger is like hate. It starts in your gut. It churns and builds up and then rises like a volcano. It shows in your eyes, on your face... there is a complete audio visual behavioral biological chemical all in one kind of recipe that makes anger what it truly is.

Depending on your sensory preference you would show your anger either audibly - by screaming or saying something nasty, visually - by displaying the angry look on your face or in a a kinesthetic way by either storming out of the situation or probably by punching the source of your anger :)

Why do we get angry?

Well am sure every single time you got angry if you think of it you would be able to justify your anger in one way or the other. Absolutely true, i agree it is explainable and just. But why in the first place did that churning in your stomach start that lead to the volcano to erupt. In my view we completely lose it when someone or something puts us in a situation that had compromised the value we give ourselves, our self-respect and self worth.

Think about it, a parent screams at a child because he or she said something that the child disobeyed. The problem causing anger here is not that the child is not doing the right thing instead its the fact that I the parent who holds more authority than the meagre child is being disrespected and is not being valued by not being obeyed. There - that's what is pissing you off!! Your own judgement of your self worth and how should you be treated to maintain that worth.

Interestingly, in this same example - the child will never really learn what you are trying to teach him / her - cause the punishment or scolding he received was completely irrelevant to him. Thus, there is no use of your screaming and guess what now you have truly reduced the value that you have, thus, making yourself angrier. Congratulations!!

Another cause for you building up a storm in life could be your expectations from everyone and everything. It took me a long time to begin making peace with the fact that our expectations are our assumptions in our own happy fairy tale and the minute they leave our minds kingdom they have zero value to someone else - to anyone else. This is true for a very simple reason - they have their own set of expectations and there is no room for yours.

I have come to believe that the more someone is angry - expressively or passive-aggressively in either case the angry person is a sad person. Now let's take a step back, think about it. Anyone who is screaming and yelling or sulking and brooding way too much - look around that person. what is missing? why is he / she hurting?

Something is usually majorly wrong around every angry person and every angry person can usually be termed as a sad person. If you are angry - think, whats hurting you so bad that the hurt is coming out screaming... you may not start by enrolling for anger management but start with a tiny bit of reflection, a lil peak into your heart as to what is going on, whats missing, whats causing the pain...?

If you are not able to figure out the why then move on to the next step. Try engaging in things that make you happy, lighten you up, make you stress free. Now do a check - do you get less angry these days.. ? If the answer is yes... it was totally worth your time reading all this rambling i did...

Stay happy, Stay Calm !