Only Me ruchi: Do You Trust Your Kid?

Only Me ruchi: Do You Trust Your Kid?: Do You Trust Your Kid? The answer to my question would you be an instant one from most of you – “of course yes!!” I seriously doub...

Do You Trust Your Kid?

Do You Trust Your Kid?

The answer to my question would you be an instant one from most of you – “of course yes!!”

I seriously doubt that though, for what I am referring to is much larger than just a question that can be answered by just an answer. Think again.

Okay, let’ go back to your childhood. Were you trusted by the grown-ups that mattered? Were your opinions considered valuable? Was a decision ever made trusting your instincts even though you were only a child? How was the reaction of your parents or the significant others when you said you would like to be a scientist who could invent a car that could take you to the moon? What happened when you wore your birthday tiara and said one day I am going to be the miss universe…?

When we talk of trusting our children we are not really talking about just the everyday matters of telling the truth or the little lies that childhood is made of. It’s how much confidence you show in them, their thoughts, their dreams and trust them like you would any grown up if they talked about their dreams or career goals.

The simple thing is confidence breeds confidence and trust breeds trust. This is not only true for our relationships and life in general but is particularly critical when raising kids. They have better senses than maybe 10 fully grown men put together [yeah, yeah, I used “men” intentionally, women of course have much sharper senses anyways  J ] Kids can quickly sense your reaction and that would have a lasting impact on their memory for the rest of their life and would be crucial in shaping their personalities too – so watch out if you are faking it!!

Another simple thing would be to ask yourself, how did you react when the child wears a new dress or gets new shoes or dresses up with effort for a special occasion – do you just say a few good things and move on, do you give a whole lot of speech on how wonderful they look but don’t really mean it entirely…  Do you board the values train and enlighten them that they should really not focus so much on their looks and worry about the real things in life!

I get it, we all say we love our kids and no matter what they wear or do we love them unconditionally. That’s not the point here the point is how you show them that affection and how authentically you do so.

For instance, I know a certain parents who love their kids just as much as any other perfectly loving parents would but at the same time preaching that it absolutely doesn’t matter how you look. You have to focus on your values, your belief system, respect for elders etc. etc… the good stuff in life. As adults you’d be glad that this was the philosophy one grew up with... However, think of this child’s confidence every single morning getting dressed for school, college, work, date, or probably the most important day of his/her life… it’s ruined. He looks in to the mirror and convinces himself I am this average or below average looking person who needs to be good at a zillion other things but should not worry about the way I look…. That’s not true!! The overall package of being confident has to do with everything, the way you look, what you believe, how you present yourself and over all what do you think and believe about your own self!!

It all starts fairly early – Do you listen to the little ones when they are describing their day at the preschool… a crayon fight or boy being too boyish that the little girl couldn’t handle..? This probably is setting ground that when they are teenagers would they like to share their concerns with you or not.

The way you react to their stories is extremely important too. Are you too short with them… or do you let them finish their stories and let them tell you what really happened..?

Think of it this way, when you walk into the office of this awesomely awesome doctor that you’ve got an appointment with a lot of trouble just because you think he/ she is the best of the best. Even though you know this doctor is “THE” one, when you reach the clinic, you would by all means like to tell your story, share your symptoms and some of us the more smart ones like to share with the doctor their own little research and the prognosis & diagnosis as well. What if this doctor after your 10 seconds of talk time tells you exactly what’s wrong with you, writes your prescription and sends you away!!

As much as one would agree that this doc maybe totally right and hitting the bulls eye in treating you – you would be strongly disappointed cause he did not hear you out. He did not let you tell your story your way. This isn’t a surprise; most great doctors I have come across are like this. It’s the experience and knowledge together that somewhere drives them to be a bit arrogant.

Now this is exactly what the awesomely awesome parents do too. We all love our kids way too much to let them through any hard times. We know them too well and can quickly figure out what’s wrong and what they need to make it right!! We want to create short cuts for them, avoid any possible bad experiences for them and in the process what we do is tell them that they are wrong and we are right. In the process we somehow end up giving this doctor like 10 second judgments of their stories and their experiences and impose our thoughts onto them. The result being that the kid would start doubting not only their own thinking and processing capabilities but would also doubt if any of this is worth sharing with the – Oh so learned parent!!

You as a parent will learn to trust, learn to show confidence in your child for them to be able to build these qualities in them to make them their personality. If they trust you on something and share it in total confidence with you, don’t share it with your friend or neighbor just to prove to them how much your kids share with you… If you are in conversation with your kids let them finish it and tell you what they think really happened there rather than jumping the gun and giving them a verdict… if you trust them on smaller things when they are tiny and truly share the joy of the impossible dreams of maybe making a staircase to Mars may be someday they would be able to trust you with more realistic issues in life. That’s when you would get your true chance of being able to tap into your wisdom and experience and share your thoughts with them. That’s when your guidance would truly matter!!

You demonstrate Trust to your kids and they would learn to trust others… You show confidence in them and they would believe in your confidence and live a much stronger, stable, Confident life…!!

 keep reading...

RK

 

Dear Diary...You Messed me Up!!

Lately, I have been pretty absorbed by the idea of positive energy and negative energy. I am gradually getting more and more convince that all good in life comes because of all the positivity in life and all our bad thoughts results into bad experiences. Hence, anything that dwells on negativity will always lead to horrible experiences and life events.

I remember growing up with tons of Hindu mythology stories that somehow have stayed with me longer than I thought they would and are gradually becoming more and more meaningful in my own weird ways. One such stories mentioned that the household that carries the book “Mahabharata” will always be in chaos and fighting – just like the way it is in the book. This is pretty much in sync with what we hear from the various Feng Shui & Vaastu experts – the nature of energy in your household is directly related to the kind of literature & art work at home.

Good books and good stuff at home will encourage positivity – just as a clutter free home would. This is logically true as well, a cluttered house would be a breeding ground for germs and diseases and a dirty environment is known to lowers our brains functionality, thus making us depressed, anxious, sloppy and nervous.

Coming to the point of this post now –

We’ve all at some point in time written a diary a journal a letter to our own self or whatever else you call it. So what do you write in your “personal” diary? Actually, let’s take a step back. Who are the folks who believe in writing a diary? Well, as we all know, the typical ones would be the ones who claim to be absolutely uncomfortable sharing their thoughts, experiences and their feelings most importantly, with another person. When the burden of their feelings, grows beyond what they can handle they resort to expressing it to the famous – “Dear Diary”!

This is very confusing to me, you are advised to reduce your burden of the bundled up emotions by secretly writing them into a diary that stays within your locked up space. In my understanding that’s like a bundle of negativity that I keep in my bed side drawer. Think about it, when do you write the diary – when something so upsetting so bad is happening to you in life that you are not able to share it with anyone – no one at all. So basically it’s the darkest form of bad energy that we neatly describe in words and keep it safe in our homes.

We have all since ever been encouraged to keep a journal. My 6 year old has one too. Has anyone ever told us what to write in it, was there a rule book about these journals? No. Since we were told that this is our personal space that we do not have to share with anyone, we ‘assumed’ we could use this to vent our emotions. Interestingly, I am yet to come across a lot of people who use this diary to write only and only great & wonderful experiences of life.

Most people resort to diaries when there is no other resort left.

Point is, if you really wish to feel better and the things that are so personal & are bothering you so much, the things that are so private, why not write them with a positive twist if it has to stay in your home. Why make it a page of Mahabharata that would bring in all the negative energy to your life. The concept is not to stop writing a diary, but not to make the diary a holy grail of all that’s bad in your life. Even if writing all the mishaps of your life made you feel better, there is no reason why you should have a ready reckoner of those mishaps at your disposal at all the times. It’s like killing all your worst enemies and keeping the corpses in your closet..!

Write, oh please, of course write your journal and I encourage my little boy to do so too but write about your dreams, what’s good & worth remembering and documenting. If something that was a bad experience how about you try to get over it and not document it for future reference.

This diary thought lead me to yet another concept. Think about that one person in your life who lately – in the recent past or present is that one person you have been confining too much into. Think sharply, this may not be your best friend. We all have those friends who have been around us forever. The special ones we speak to once in a while but they know you the best and don’t demand your presence or attention every day yet are there for you when you need them the most and then there are those who claim to be your most dear friends but they always have an agenda.

The one friend you have been confining too much and lately sharing too much about all that’s making you miserable could be an altogether a different kind of friend. I like to call them the “bitching buddies”. They are present everywhere – office, home, family, neighborhood, gym, grocery store… every damn where!! If you check closely the conversations you have with these people you might not be discussing your career aspirations or your other futuristic developmental thoughts, they probably are not your best financial advisors too. Then who are these “Best Friends” who you talk to more often than your real friends and you can share all your personal mess with them so conveniently, so seamlessly…??

These people just like your dear diary are the suckers for bad energy, the gossip mongers and the hub of all evil! They attract us like magnets on days we are low on self-esteem on the days we feel like the center of all the miserable hell holes of life. They have a skill to make you think and talk about all that’s bad around you. You could write a book with them on the annoying neighbors, the demanding jobs, the problems in school, children, marriage, and in-laws even the economy in general! They are experts in dragging you into this amazingly negative conversation where no matter what great mood you were in they would eventually get you to bitch about something or someone that reassures you that – “well!! your life is a mess!!”

The funny thing is you would feel great talking to these people, as you get lured into believing that finally you have someone in life who understands you, who knows you are awesome but just surrounded by horrible people and unmanageable situations. These are the only true friends you think you have who understand the poor you – ‘the victim you!!’

Well, victim yes, but not of circumstances but of these negative energy generating hubs.

Another cool thing about these kind of “friends” is that they keep changing – you might not be bitching your gut out to the same person since you learned to bitch,,,

Bottom line whether you are talking to yourself in the secret way of writing a diary or your are sharing it with your bitching buddy – as long as the content of this sharing and ventilating is negative no good is ever gonna come out of this. If your expression is of something sad the feeling with it and the outcome reaction of all this will eventually make you sad.

Things in life will at some point go wrong, the more you talk about something going wrong in life to your so called best friend the more you are inviting negative energy in your life. Think about the process of this sharing you’ll know how logically you are building up ground for more bad stuff…

-        You think about a bad experience  - makes you feel bad

-        You talk it through in your head – makes you feel bad

-        You talk about it to your bitching buddy – makes you feel bad

-        You analyze the bad experience with your buddy – makes you feel worse

-        You have done so much repetition of the bad experience that now there is no way you can forget it – you will continue to feel bad

-        You feel bad – you go back to your bitching buddy cause you feel bad

-        To assure you that you are awesome but it’s the bad experience in life that makes you feel so bad you both together repeat it, discuss it again and then continue to feel bad….!!

You see… this never ends!! It can never end!

All good bad ugly is part of life, what would you like to focus your energy on is all that would make the difference… Choosing to be positive will not come to you naturally; you’ll have to make that decision daily.

That’s why the saying – Good things happen to good people!

 RK

Only Me ruchi: Hit the ceiling Yet..!!

Only Me ruchi: Hit the ceiling Yet..!!: Someone chewing the food too loudly, the dog not behaving, your child not attending to the studies, husband taking forever to get home, you...

Hit the ceiling Yet..!!

Someone chewing the food too loudly, the dog not behaving, your child not attending to the studies, husband taking forever to get home, your boss overriding your ideas and the list can go on with the most routine, rubbish things - that could make you angry "everyday" "any day" and unbearably !

If the above defines you, or is cutting close to where you are headed then by all means - you have or are about to hit the ceiling! I on the other hand feel like I hit the ceiling a few times a day and then i go on to hit all the other ceilings there are...

Well there are a mountain things that could make you mad and make you lose your temper. The reason - well there are times when you do not need a reason to lose your calm, there are times when it can be a silly thing that could blow your top and there are times when you'd argue that you DO truly deserve to be angry. The interesting thing is there is no reason - rather no kind of reason that could be justified true enough - to be angry.

Anger is like hate. It starts in your gut. It churns and builds up and then rises like a volcano. It shows in your eyes, on your face... there is a complete audio visual behavioral biological chemical all in one kind of recipe that makes anger what it truly is.

Depending on your sensory preference you would show your anger either audibly - by screaming or saying something nasty, visually - by displaying the angry look on your face or in a a kinesthetic way by either storming out of the situation or probably by punching the source of your anger :)

Why do we get angry?

Well am sure every single time you got angry if you think of it you would be able to justify your anger in one way or the other. Absolutely true, i agree it is explainable and just. But why in the first place did that churning in your stomach start that lead to the volcano to erupt. In my view we completely lose it when someone or something puts us in a situation that had compromised the value we give ourselves, our self-respect and self worth.

Think about it, a parent screams at a child because he or she said something that the child disobeyed. The problem causing anger here is not that the child is not doing the right thing instead its the fact that I the parent who holds more authority than the meagre child is being disrespected and is not being valued by not being obeyed. There - that's what is pissing you off!! Your own judgement of your self worth and how should you be treated to maintain that worth.

Interestingly, in this same example - the child will never really learn what you are trying to teach him / her - cause the punishment or scolding he received was completely irrelevant to him. Thus, there is no use of your screaming and guess what now you have truly reduced the value that you have, thus, making yourself angrier. Congratulations!!

Another cause for you building up a storm in life could be your expectations from everyone and everything. It took me a long time to begin making peace with the fact that our expectations are our assumptions in our own happy fairy tale and the minute they leave our minds kingdom they have zero value to someone else - to anyone else. This is true for a very simple reason - they have their own set of expectations and there is no room for yours.

I have come to believe that the more someone is angry - expressively or passive-aggressively in either case the angry person is a sad person. Now let's take a step back, think about it. Anyone who is screaming and yelling or sulking and brooding way too much - look around that person. what is missing? why is he / she hurting?

Something is usually majorly wrong around every angry person and every angry person can usually be termed as a sad person. If you are angry - think, whats hurting you so bad that the hurt is coming out screaming... you may not start by enrolling for anger management but start with a tiny bit of reflection, a lil peak into your heart as to what is going on, whats missing, whats causing the pain...?

If you are not able to figure out the why then move on to the next step. Try engaging in things that make you happy, lighten you up, make you stress free. Now do a check - do you get less angry these days.. ? If the answer is yes... it was totally worth your time reading all this rambling i did...

Stay happy, Stay Calm !

The Emotional Parasites

Shree Bhagwat Gita teaches us to believe in doing our duties and not to expect any results or favors in return for the same. A lot of us earnestly try to incorporate the same as well. How much and how effectively is of course a matter of degree. I am yet to come across a fellow being who has never ever done any good to anyone. We all do our good deeds, sometimes in anticipation of a handsome return and sometimes just like that. The feel good associated with a good deed can truly be a kick.

 
In reality - this never expect a return from your deed actually is the secondary concept. I am not even going to debate it - cause that’s not the point anyways. What got me thinking was why in the first place do we do certain good deeds? What makes you do them - rather compels you to be good? What if one fine day you are exhausted being good and you no longer wish to be good to someone or in certain situations?
 
Well, the simple answer is you will always be good. Don’t worry I have no cruel intentions of false flattery - you are not the best person in this world and being good is not your “the best” quality that I am going to harp on today. It’s just that the good in this world and thus in you prevails and continues to grow because we cannot simply stop being good or nice. It’s one of those compulsive behaviors. who you chose to be good with and why is your selfish call, how much you like to bend and break to be good to people is also your personal judgment - like it or you don’t, you are doing it willingly or compulsively - you will still forever continue be good.

Now what’s wrong in being good - it’s good to be good - right?

 
Depends - on the number of thankless and ungrateful people you are surrounded by. There are times when some appreciations some kind of gratitude will make you go a long way and there would be times when the flood of the extreme thankless souls around you with Himalayan expectations will drain you completely.
 
How do you know if you are not expecting too much appreciation and you are truly surrounded by ungrateful people - I like to call them - “the emotional Parasites!”
 
Check for yourself in case if the below sounds familiar ?
 
Once again you helped your friend out of yet another major emotional drama in life, and once the situation is fixed - you no longer exist. What about the other day when you missed your yoga class so she could cry her heart out to you and tell how life is especially unfair to her - and after being the rescue ranger, you no longer exist again! The most popular one is where you make dramatic changes to your personal space and accommodate major financial setbacks to make a family member comfortable and feel like you are truly one big family that belongs together - has finally after all your sacrifices - blamed you for being selfish and inconsiderate!!
 
Well if these are the scenarios of your life - then yes, you are surrounded by the emotional parasites.
 
If your experience of these situations has drained you enough that you are ready to go for help, most of your helper friends would give you the standard suggestions - to confront the situation with such thankless people, be assertive, stop helping and finally distance yourself from them. May be the famous saying - “ Some people don’t appreciate what they have until it’s gone.” - This will also fit in to explain.
 
Again - that’s still not going to help cause this is like the quickest way to get rid of all good bad ugly people from your life - including all your relatives - who technically cannot be “let go”. Eventually making you feel sad and lonely after making all the effort to be the nicest guy in town.
 
Then what do you do?
 
The simple concept to remember is that there is nothing inherently wrong with being nice. The world is a better place with more kind hearted and generous people. At the same time it’s important to be nice in an emotionally healthy way - especially for you.
 
The simple analogy of using the oxygen mask in an air plane works in all walks of life too - first wear the mask yourself then assist the needy ones near you. So if you are feeling inadequate emotionally, there is no way you going out there to help someone wont drain you. If helping someone is truly outside of your capacity - then don't help - just say no, without guilt. Trust me it won’t make you feel small or weak - it would strengthen your self-respect.
 
Another very important question to ask yourself is that are you being nice to someone because you want to or because you have to?
 
In either case you as the nicest person on earth must remember that being nice all the time is neither reasonable nor realistic. This is the most important aspect that could allow you control of your emotions - if you fail here, then congratulations!! You now have a compulsive disorder of being nice to people and an insatiable desire to be liked by them “always.”
 
The emotional parasites are the suckers around all of us who are continuously on the lookout for these compulsive helpers. Cause no one knows better than these parasites that once they latch on to you - helping them will be your problem and your first priority and they no longer need to work.
 
You’ll find these emotional parasites everywhere - at work, at home, in the neighborhood, at the super market… all over!!
 
The most interesting thing here is that for a very long time you won't even know that you are serving as a host to them, it’s only when you find yourself so helpless or frustrated or angry as an outcome of being a nice person - is when you might learn to pick the hint.
 
We all know - No one can please everyone, at all times. So don’t bother. Prioritize. Be choosy.
 
Sometimes you’ll feel obligated to entertain these emotional parasites because you don’t want them to feel bad. Think again. Can you truly control how someone else is going to feel - based on what you do? Unreasonable, I’d say.
 
Finally, not only the economy but every aspect of life compares to the law of demand and supply. For the thankless ungrateful souls - less is more.
Conserve your emotional energy and make it last longer - for the more deserving ones and for you.

 

Say NO to Emotional Parasites and Not to the good in you, be nice :)

 

Pilot .. Co-Pilot.. Passenger..

A recent conversation with a friend on buying a house brought this interesting thought. She seems to be in the "just looking" mode now, yet, so sure of what she wants, yet, not fully aware of what is she looking for...

A simple flow of conversation about customizing the house made me wonder isn't that exactly how we deal with our lives. Some of us are comfortable with the kind of house that's most easily available, some like specific customizations, some are happy with little opportunities and flexibility and some need to build the whole thing their way!

So is the life. If you see the path of your life laid out for you, step by step and all you gotta do is walk then you are probably living a life architected by someone else. You no longer are the designer of your own life. You are the convenient tenant in your own life, where someone else calls all the shots.

No matter how the days are passing by, there never is a dull moment in life. Really, think hard, something or the other will keep challenging you in some way or the other. Although, getting a hang of what gives you the kick and what bores you to death could be a long drawn tiring process. Most often this journey of self exploration is loaded with days of frustration that makes you wonder what the hell are you doing with your life and where are you headed...

In times such as these the true test of your own power comes in, do you try to follow your own navigation system - be your own pilot, be the co-pilot - take help from the special few, or just let anyone and everyone take over while you sit there wearing a seat belt and not wanting to take charge.

This is not really an argument to support independence or self esteem, hence the point is not that always be your own pilot - your own navigation system sometimes could completely throw you way off course. It's at this point - of being off the course that is the most dangerous - cause now you are at your vulnerable best to surrender to 911... sadly whoever first answers your call gets to be your Maester... the half backed problem solver of your life!

These Maesters can actually be some people with very genuine intentions to help you so that you do the right thing and get back on a right track in life. Sadly enough these right things and the right tracks are decided by these helpers. We learn to fool ourselves into this guided, directed life by others in various ways. Some of us just find it simpler to let someone else do all the analysis and tell you a practical doable solution. Some of us just pretend to be naive that even though someone is piloting my life, or is the architect of the house that i have to eventually live in every single day of my life - one fine day things will fall in place just the way I'd rather have them done.

The essence of the matter is that by letting people pave the path of our life we conveniently step aside from taking the responsibility of our own life, and these "helping buddies" conveniently take over all the responsibility. They are not intruders you have red carpeted them in your life to rule your life!

Interestingly it doesn't end here. There is an exorbitant price you have to pay to give your life away. It's not your life anymore, it's a projection of someone else's life that now you are so familiar with that it feels like your own life.

Even more interesting is the fact that a majority of us are doing this without even acknowledging it, some of us think nothing can change now, this is how my life has been and will be, some of us want to do something but don't know how...??

If you are in the cage and enjoy being powerless, it's ok. If you do want to change things then the first thing would be take back the ownership of your own life. This is much easier said than done, as someone who is in the comfortable passenger seat has now to take on the steering wheel and the navigator's hat and be responsible for all the good bad and ugly in your own life. BIG TASK. Since it's so simple to blame, not having someone to blame for your life's choices but yourself - Big Big Task.

What do you think could be the biggest road block in getting the gears in your own hand? Your regret that you should have taken charge of your life earlier... You ought to be doing more hard work in life than you use to... Not really...

The biggest challenge will be to overcome the habit of support from your so called well wishers and create a healthy space between your life and your relationships - especially the knights of your life who come to protect you everyday in every walk of life.

The problem is it is not easy to recognize these people in your life who have their own "agendas"

A simple solution is - don't go out there fixing their agendas or trying to fix these people - else you would have soon crossed over to the dark side and be one of them. Just focus on having your own agenda for your own life and living it with full responsibility.

Good Luck - and don't worry. Your life is your own song - sing it your way - no one else knows the lyrics better than you...  :)