The Reason...

Let’s start with a story, I am sure it will lay the ground work to the thought that’s been on my mind for a long time now…

I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She never meant harm, she never said anything wrong and probably she meant really well. Though she gossiped with passion. Now hold on, don’t judge me yet! Who doesn’t like a little gossip..! We all do. But if this becomes a compulsive behavior it can start sucking the energy out of you than giving you the cheesy thrills you seek.

Sometimes, when I’d hear things she’d said behind my back or figure that she had been influencing other people’s opinions about me – negatively, I would hurt but not react. I was still sure she and I were great friends. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her assuming full confidence and trust in her.

Obviously, I knew this was one of those toxic relations I spoke about in the other blog. Unfortunately I didn’t have the strength and for some reason the will to try to rationalize her behavior even though I cared about her.

Something tells me probably this kind of behavior is an outcome of self-doubt, so maybe she did this to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions but could never talk to her about this situation. I was so much in shock with my own miss judgment of a person. I had always been so confident of the friends I had, it’s usually a complementing relationship! Once the friendship strikes – there usually is no looking back..! But here for some reason I was suffocating.

This seemed like a compulsive behavior of not being true to anyone and the psychologist in me was screaming – she needs help! Either fix it or get out of there.

We also had a few other common friends. A couple of them I truly cherished and admired. I still miss being with them but it seems like they were a package deal! They would all complain about each other but still be together.

The final nail in the coffin was, when she started lying to me about these other two friends. The personal situations they might have shared with her in confidence came to me from her as gossip! Something she demonstrated too much joy and energy in sharing with me and maybe many others!

This got me disturbed, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change and finally shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.

Unfortunately, lost the other two friends too… Interestingly she came about looking as the victim and I as the bitch!

Months, even years later, mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.

All the old questions such as “Why was she so careless with others personal situations?” and “How did I become friends with someone so shallow?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.

For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.

But then, I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering—just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy. It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy.

I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.

Sadly, this issue of toxic friendships isn’t uncommon. I bet we all have people in our lives who leave us feeling miserable and drained of energy. I also think that when we hang around with these characters, we hold ourselves back and increase our odds of becoming negative.

So what do we do? Do we abandon people if they’re bad for us? Or do we stick around to help them out?

When we choose to associate with positive people, we tend to become happier and brighter and enjoy better lives.

In my case, I chose to move on…! It’s not easy to start over! It can get seriously lonely sometimes, but I guess it’s a choice one needs to make – toxic company or no company, of course for a short period of time –then we all find friends J

When I think of my old friend, I only hope she is happy. Letting her go didn’t mean that I don’t care. It just means I want to be happy myself. That’s why it’s so important to forgive, love, and move on when you have to: We all deserve to be happy. We have the power to make it happen.

If you’re into personal growth, you will at some point outgrow some or all of your friends. The sooner you can accept it, the easier it’ll be. Your friends may object and ask you why you’re abandoning them, but there’s not much you can do. The signs are obvious.

It can get lonely while you’re transitioning from one group of friends to another. You’ll wish that you could go back to the way things were. Friendship is like that. Everything seems so much easier when you selectively pick out memories from the past.

It’s not that you’re suddenly better than your friends. As you keep growing you will literally move into another wavelength, which is why your connection to your friends is fading. There’s always going to be that sense of obligation, of staying true to your friends, but you also have to stay true to yourself. Sometimes you just have to move on. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet up with some of your old friends.

You can’t keep doing what doesn’t feel absolutely right, because it will end up making you miserable. While this may sound harsh, it’s the truth. Listen to your heart.

Let your feelings and heart guide you when it comes to making decisions. If you don’t feel like an activity you used to do with your friends no longer excites you, don’t do it. If something else still seems cool, do it. It’s simple.

Listen to yourself instead of your friends. It’s up to you to play out your own life. Every person in your life is there for a reason. You may feel obligated or bad about cutting your friends loose, but if you’re not 100% happy with where you are and who you are spending your time with, it’s time for change. It’s time to look for a new social circle.