when you visit your happy place, or when someone asks you to go back to the best memory of your life, or when someone says what u are today is all about your upbringing, nurturing, experiences... why does it always go back to the childhood memories. Is your childhood the meatiest slice of the pizza called life? Why do people love songs that talk about going back to childhood, being young again, the days that were…strangely all that one can think of as the best time is in retrospect.
I think there is more to it, more than we see, more than we agree to make our peace with. I believe the reason is not a good bad ugly past, the reason is u - Who u use to be. Somehow we understand our self-much better in retrospect. You can always justify your doings in hindsight. all the mistakes u make, all the accolades u take, it’s all about accepting who you are, and why u are.
Today is mostly a function of your current needs, your current mood and your current vision of your future. Hence only when this today has passed into a yesterday u can think straight about it and make your peace with it. Have you ever thought why do some people boast so loudly - 'i have absolutely no regrets in life'. I wonder who are they really having this conversation with?? I think it’s a screaming reassurance to your own self. you want to keep telling yourself that u are a good person, all the good bad ugly that happened in your life couldn't have been more justified in anyone else's life!!.
As kids we could do all that we like, say what we like etc etc. no damage done. It’s always considered "cute" if the kid happens to say the most uninvited truth at the most critical hour in life… we can all laugh at it and move on. As grownups we all worry too much on the consequences, reputation, and a zillion more things. As kids all u could think of is - i feel so, i say so!
Sometimes i wonder was growing up really such a great idea, and sometimes i pray for a few people around me - wish they'd grow up - some day! It’s pretty simple. We like to hide away under the pretext of being a child or an adult – interchangeably and continuously keep blaming the other guy.
Then comes a time when u feel now that i have all the perfect stuff in life, i think i am settled - Material, social, emotional all that you hoard as possessions. In the process you start aligning yourself to your hoardings and start losing your own true self every minute. Then comes a time, when you start missing yourself. Is when it truly gets lonely…
Ever wondered - why is it so difficult for people to understand you, or maybe for you to explain yourself. More often than not you'll still manage to tell someone what u feel but has it always been that easy to tell why u feel the way u feel... It’s because now that u no longer are a kid u think of implications. You want to make sure u r understood, u r not misjudged and there is no damage to your reputation. And there thinking all of that, u have just deprived yourself of having yourself understood by someone, cause you were too pre-occupied with the consequences.
We all keep searching for that one person who really understands you the way you are, knows what u want even before u cud say it, someone u can be yourself with. The interesting thing is we all do find such a person / people. The problem is we outgrow them. After a point in time u end up creating a certain image with this person and then u don’t wanna change it. So u live with it. But u as a person never cease to change, so after this one person has fully understood u - u suddenly start realizing how vulnerable u r and there u go... back into ur shell!!! Starting to look all over again for someone who will understand u... !
The secret is we all like to say with all genuinity that i am a very simple person and it isn’t a tough thing to understand me - yet we all secretly take pride in showing our social personality to all and keep hiding our true selves behind it. We all want someone to figure us out, without explicitly saying so. Then starts the hypothesis of believing that each person around us has the intellect and the emotional bandwidth to understand us… Then begins the harassment of forced change in life... endless portrayal of wanting to ascend to unachievable levels of greatness, godliness!
finding that right someone is the consequence of well-crafted personal effort, u'll find most of the times adjusting with your own self, telling urself to be a different person than wat u are so that someone will someday know u more than u. strangely u'll realize only after a long time has passed that u have made so many alterations to ur own being that even u can’t relate to yourself anymore.
Sadly then u sit there to be discovered, to be read, to be understood…
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