if this was ur last chance...

The way we behave with people, we live our life and we deal with situations is as if everything is going to be as is for ever...! The shear feeling of permanence is the origin of all pain. Easier said than done, of course the toughest thing in life is to accept change. yea yea.. we all know all the good things about change and have all preached the acceptance of change to ourselves or to someone else in life. Think about the latest conversation you had with anyone to justify change, to justify a living with a loss, with a miss! By no means i say that ur intentions were cruel and not to help this person, but think about it with all genuinity,with an assurance of having the secret buried in your heart for ever, wud u do - as u preached??

We all know all life situations don't mean the same to all, we all carry our own respective baggage's & relate to each situation differently, yet what is preached is always what's ideal - the should have been's of life and not what one cud do with as much ease.. U scream, in an effort to pronounce your ideal self - to tell all that's worth hearing, worth preaching, worth living for! In the process u have already started a journey of drifting away from your own true being. Then comes a point where you seem completely disoriented from your situations and you no longer know the purpose of you being you.

Life is actually very simple, more or less the same for more or less everybody. Its a like a Christmas tree or a wedding gown. They are basically the same. They don't come in too many colors, and its only the decoration on the outside that make them look different... The outside is what in turn starts defining whats beneath..who owns it, and why does it look the way it does. The problem is we start associating our selves with the exterior so much that it starts becoming meaningful.

Strangely the exterior rules our being, our existence so muchh that you don't even realize when the remote control shifted from life to presentation of life. you tend to start getting governed by the way people wud know you than the way you know u'r self. You soon start worrying so  much about all the perceptions about you and the loss of your focus from yourself - and ironically the overkill of the focus on your worldly self create this constant battle in you... of being lonely and yet paying so much attention to self!

What u really wish to connect with is with yourself and what u end up connecting with in all worldly ways is your projection of yourself. Now u can't cease to connect with your outer self cause that's become a way of life, and ur inner self keeps getting neglected. Think again, the standards that you set for someone else in life, are far higher than wat u cud do for yourself. cause there u hv the liberty of preaching all the right things without worrying to implement. so u become this fantastic person with all the bright ideas and wonderful suggestions, but no power, no control to guide your own life...!

Only Me ruchi: What's u'r poison??

Only Me ruchi: What's u'r poison??: No there is really no need to get quirky reading the title… it’s way past that time in life when u are still deciding on what drink, what s...

What's u'r poison??

No there is really no need to get quirky reading the title… it’s way past that time in life when u are still deciding on what drink, what style, what line suits u… there are times when u reach a stage where whether u like it or u don’t u do feel like it or don’t one does go meet head on with all that u were an expert in avoiding. Call it your fears; call it the passion that for all the right reasons you never pursued; love that u keep defining, redefining, finding, losing, missing, and ignoring; the dreams u always wanted to chase but again for all the right excuses u never did anything about; people, moments, memories, places, thoughts, and the list is long…

Ever stopped to think – why not! What makes u run away from certain things – what calls u closer! There is not a single person that you meet in life who you share your dreams with will tell u not to pursue them. The random most conversation with the random most people will make it the most beautiful conversation you ever had with any one – if it was about what really lives inside of your heart.

How often do you listen to your heart? Very commonly preached principle “listen to your heart” is most rarely practiced phenomenon I believe. Do you go ahead and do all that u like to do – Am not talking statistics here, so no point raising your arm and saying “I do”. The thing to nail is simple – what makes you kill what your heart yearns!! What’s the poison killing all that nurtures in your heart?

I think this poison is no such thing that can be directly associated with the thought homicide. It will take more than a Getafix to make a poison potion such as this that kills u from inside. Sometime it’s good to sit back and reflect – what is your poison really – what stops u from being u?

It’s good to be in love, it’s good to be attached, and it’s good to have that connect but in the bargain knowingly or unknowingly u end up losing yourself. You either become like the person u seem connected to or u’ll soon realize that u changed way too much – so much so that now u r no longer u...

We are like water when it comes to emotions and relationships. Without any hard work or a conscious effort you start molding, shaping & coloring like this other person – before u know bam! U have turned into someone that u never were, not the person that u remember being and so different from what you use to be & down within someone that u wouldn’t even want to be. So different from the familiar u that even u can’t relate to yourself… let alone anyone else.

The problem is that’s not it. You start getting addicted to this newness in your life. Somehow this all complicates in to a life baggage. Considering not all of us are brave enough to one fine day wake up and get rid of all that u have collected so far. The house, the material stuff, the people, the memories, the fears, the resentments, the love, the dreams… all…

Change is good, so no complaints. Also, u have been doing all this only to get better and be an exact fit into the mold that your dear ones have – of the perfect person. So good job done there, great achievement. As long as u r happy being perfect from the outside, and as long as u r able to make ur peace losing urself.

Do u really miss the childhood... or do u miss urself!!

when you visit your happy place, or when someone asks you to go back to the best memory of your life, or when someone says what u are today is all about your upbringing, nurturing, experiences... why does it always go back to the childhood memories. Is your childhood the meatiest slice of the pizza called life? Why do people love songs that talk about going back to childhood, being young again, the days that were…strangely all that one can think of as the best time is in retrospect.

I think there is more to it, more than we see, more than we agree to make our peace with. I believe the reason is not a good bad ugly past, the reason is u - Who u use to be. Somehow we understand our self-much better in retrospect. You can always justify your doings in hindsight. all the mistakes u make, all the accolades u take, it’s all about accepting who you are, and why u are.

Today is mostly a function of your current needs, your current mood and your current vision of your future. Hence only when this today has passed into a yesterday u can think straight about it and make your peace with it. Have you ever thought why do some people boast so loudly - 'i have absolutely no regrets in life'. I wonder who are they really having this conversation with?? I think it’s a screaming reassurance to your own self. you want to keep telling yourself that u are a good person, all the good bad ugly that happened in your life couldn't have been more justified in anyone else's life!!.

As kids we could do all that we like, say what we like etc etc. no damage done. It’s always considered "cute" if the kid happens to say the most uninvited truth at the most critical hour in life… we can all laugh at it and move on. As grownups we all worry too much on the consequences, reputation, and a zillion more things. As kids all u could think of is - i feel so, i say so!

Sometimes i wonder was growing up really such a great idea, and sometimes i pray for a few people around me - wish they'd grow up - some day! It’s pretty simple. We like to hide away under the pretext of being a child or an adult – interchangeably and continuously keep blaming the other guy.

Then comes a time when u feel now that i have all the perfect stuff in life, i think i am settled - Material, social, emotional all that you hoard as possessions. In the process you start aligning yourself to your hoardings and start losing your own true self every minute. Then comes a time, when you start missing yourself. Is when it truly gets lonely…

Ever wondered - why is it so difficult for people to understand you, or maybe for you to explain yourself. More often than not you'll still manage to tell someone what u feel but has it always been that easy to tell why u feel the way u feel... It’s because now that u no longer are a kid u think of implications. You want to make sure u r understood, u r not misjudged and there is no damage to your reputation. And there thinking all of that, u have just deprived yourself of having yourself understood by someone, cause you were too pre-occupied with the consequences.

We all keep searching for that one person who really understands you the way you are, knows what u want even before u cud say it, someone u can be yourself with. The interesting thing is we all do find such a person / people. The problem is we outgrow them. After a point in time u end up creating a certain image with this person and then u don’t wanna change it. So u live with it. But u as a person never cease to change, so after this one person has fully understood u - u suddenly start realizing how vulnerable u r and there u go... back into ur shell!!!  Starting to look all over again for someone who will understand u... !

The secret is we all like to say with all genuinity that i am a very simple person and it isn’t a tough thing to understand me - yet we all secretly take pride in showing our social personality to all and keep hiding our true selves behind it. We all want someone to figure us out, without explicitly saying so. Then starts the hypothesis of believing that each person around us has the intellect and the emotional bandwidth to understand us… Then begins the harassment of forced change in life... endless portrayal of wanting to ascend to unachievable levels of greatness, godliness!

finding that right someone is the consequence of well-crafted personal effort, u'll find most of the times adjusting with your own self, telling urself to be a different person than wat u are so that someone will someday know u more than u. strangely u'll realize only after a long time has passed that u have made so many alterations to ur own being that even u can’t relate to yourself anymore.

Sadly then u sit there to be discovered, to be read, to be understood…

Life is Still worth living...!!

It all starts with randomness

It all ends at nothingness

Sometimes in an effort to be

Happiness turns out to be loneliness

It’s all a game of how much more

Who plays a saint and who lays a whore

Once again it all relates to no one

You feel connected to some one

What u end up becoming is just anyone

Where u are… What u are…

Who is the one actually judging

One sigh of relieve and life is worth living

An iota of pain & u know who u feel like killing

The truth is it doesn’t start with randomness

The reality is it doesn’t end at nothingness

It’s a cumulative frequency of deeds

And miseries multiply as u plead

Believe it or not… u have already given in to the worldly greed

Live by the moment

You’d think u survived

But u really are innocent

They taught u all the verbs and adjectives

What u end up becoming is only a noun – defective

Yet don’t give in

Someday it will all sink in

You’ll know one day… life is still worth living!!

all that's said but not heard...

Just another day, just another time, when u are maybe in the shower, maybe cooking, maybe driving, maybe getting dressed for work, attempting to watch television or even pretending to chill out with friends... after a couple of minutes later u'd realize, u actually were able to express yourself the best, you have just finished the most fantastic conversation ever cud have happened. The only oops factor being that the conversation happened in your head... so it was said but not heard..!!

Mostly such conversations are with the people that in real life when given a chance u'd ideally avoid having this conversation or explaining your. That's probably another reason why u had this conversation in your head, u don't get threatening questions, no one interrupts u, u actually end up finishing all u have to say without getting judged and finally feel relieved, guilt free and peaceful having explained all you wished. Its like the perfect conversation ever.

The worry is sometimes you end up having these conversations so frequently in your head, like u can almost hear your thoughts and u wish u could focus else where. The poor person with whom you wish to have this conversation or may be not have this conversation ends up getting blamed for these repeated thoughts in your head. Finally, there would come a time when u'd feel like u did explain all of what u thought to this person, coz the talk in your head was so real!

There are both good and bad emotional outcomes of these inevitable conversations. The good being that temporary feeling of relief of having said all you ever wanted to... the bad is having to deal with the person concerned in future. Now why is that bad is the obvious question...!

Let me tell you why, simply because according to you, all was explained long back, the end of the conversation was so good. we all agreed and walked out happy of that conversation. No burden left no guilt left. Then now yet again, why is this person pretending to not understand me, or going back to historical events that make us feel bad? Simple answer .. yet again! You actually never had this conversation with this person. Hence, not clarified.

Life at times is more complicated than we think we could make it, yet more simple that u cud ever imagine it to be. We sometimes wonder if only there was a way to simplify life and there are times without knowing u end up making a mess of things because of all these conversations u have had in your head. The problem is the monologue! When u actually speak to the other person that probably u have been avoiding for all the right reasons u get to know his/her side of the story or justifications too. Its not hard to believe that if you have been thinking so much about a person, u wudn't be getting as much attention in this person's life. Maybe they wish to have this conversation with you too.

Only one of the two of you cannot be liberated of the guilt, anger, frustration or any emotion - its a mutual thing, its interlinked. Maybe the conversation would be odd, the moments mostly would be awkward, the emotions would ride higher than logic and the intent of having a conversation, but give it a shot. Let the talk really happen. Give yourself an opportunity, one chance to not only say it all - but hear it all too...

We all carry baggage's, no one will ever be able to relate to the load u carry unless u allow him to shed off some of his weight too. Its a simple give and take, maybe of good, maybe of bad, maybe of nothingness!!

Shaury's first Annual day !

It seems like yesterday when i use to dress up all hipiti hop for my own annual day, and the other day kapil and i were sitting in the audience to see my son (just 2.5 yrs now) already perform on stage for his annual day function. I am still trying to figure out if i was more nostalgic or more proud there... damn these mixed emotions! like as if the emotions in itself weren't difficult enough to deal with that we land up into these mixed emotion thingies!
Well anyways it was quite a moment to see him dance on stage. I was still trying to get use to the Montessori itself - Its beyond my imagination that my 2.5 yr old can already listen to and follow and remember a set of instructions. He seems like a big boy when he is there... I am sure he does a lot of things there at school that normally i would have never let him do. It feels like a sin an obscene crime when his teacher asks him to take off or wear his shoes on his own and no seems to be doing that for him... but i guess that's how we learn! although when it comes to him, i believe we all learn it all some day - why are they rushing him so much.

I am beginning to make my peace with letting him grow - allowing him to be. The only hope is maybe all mothers have to do this, all have to acknowledge the much desired and much dreaded changes. with a lot of things, sometimes i stop and think - am i judging shaury, the environment or myself, not sure yet.

But the point is whether i contribute or no, i spend time with him or no - he is becoming a big boy by the minute. The only fear / hope is to be the mother that i ought to be...